My blog contains a large number of posts. A few are included in various other publications, or as attached stories and chronicles in my emails; many more are found on loose leaves, while some are written carelessly in margins and blank spaces of my notebooks. Of the last sort most are nonsense, now often unintelligible even when legible, or half-remembered fragments. Enjoy responsibly.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Things that piss me off

Now that I am officially 30, I’ve decided to undertake my first curmudgeon act. I’m starting a “things that piss me off” category on my blog. So, without further ado, these are the things that have pissed me off since I turned old yesterday:

Your camera phone. Listen, the resolution sucks, the screen is 1” wide, and you’re not going to ever look at those pictures again. Moreover, since you’ve concentrated on taking the picture, you’ve psychologically told your brain that it’s ok to forget about whatever it was that you were taking a picture of. So stop fucking taking pictures, you look like a tool and it’s actually making you dumber.

Your voice on that phone. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Your phone can only transmit at one decibel level of volume. So no matter how loudly you speak, it will always sound the same on the other side. All that happens when you yell into your phone is piss off those of us who have to listen to your idiotic ranting. Anyone screaming into a cell phone should have said phone inserted into their left nostril.

Your children. Listen, I don’t like your children. You may find little Cody cute, but to me he’s a 40 pound, caffeinated, prescription junkie that just ran head first into my knee on a Ritalin and Mountain Dew high that makes lifetime meth addicts jealous. Either control your child or I’ll hire a British nanny to shake him.

Your wordy clothing. Who the fuck started this stupid trend and when will it die? It’s just like that trucker hat fad, except slightly less down-syndrome because we have to assume that you had to be able to read to buy the shirt. I don’t know why the rebellious youth of today decided that labeling themselves was a good idea, but they were wrong. Labels are for losers. Adding a label to yourself defines who you are into that statement. You might as well have one that says, ‘I think I would make a good addition to a large crowd’. Also, ‘Juicy’ is not something you should let your 12 year old daughter have written across her ass. Instead, it should just say ‘Sexual Predator Delight’.

PS If you’re wearing the word ‘Guess’ across your tits, I’m going to go ahead and guess they're fake.

1 comment:

Ferociouskater said...

I love reading old rants. Because then I get to look at you now and say, "Camera phone idiot."