My blog contains a large number of posts. A few are included in various other publications, or as attached stories and chronicles in my emails; many more are found on loose leaves, while some are written carelessly in margins and blank spaces of my notebooks. Of the last sort most are nonsense, now often unintelligible even when legible, or half-remembered fragments. Enjoy responsibly.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

My idea for a new competition reality show:

Welcome to Stand Up! Fox's new standing competition reality series where you American get to choose who you think is the best Stander the US has to offer. As always, our judges are the resident perky, forcibly-retired performer Candy Paxil, talent scout Hip Kooldude, and our own little grumpy part of Britain, Hugh Bigalow Longfellow.

It’s week 3 and last week there were some surprises and heartbreaks. Let’s take a look at this week’s first contestant Allexi.

Allexi, wearing a tight, bright orange dress, hair extensions and a holding a small dog while she stands in the middle of the stage – not moving.

Audience screams insanely

Hugh: Allexi that was a horrible stand. Where was the heart, the emotion, your trademark style? I just didn’t like it.

Audience boos loudly

Candy: Well, I don’t know what Mr. Uptight British was watching over there, but I thought you were greatly improved over last week. You got up, you stood there and didn’t move – and then right at the end, you blinked. It was brilliant.

Audience screams like they’ve seen Godzilla

Hip: I totally agree with Candy. I’ve been in this business for a long time and haven’t seen anyone who can just stand there like you do. You got my vote.

Audience screams, two boys in the front row hyperventilate and pass out.

Well, how did you America feel about it? We’ll find out later when we reveal who received the most of the 19.7 zillion votes!

Our next contestant is Stephan. Let’s take a look at Stephan’s last week’s performance.

Stephan, wearing a bandana, purposely distressed jeans and a hat slightly off to one side while he stands in the middle of the stage – not moving.

Hip: You know, I wanted to feel it, I needed to feel it, but I didn’t feel it.

Audience screams, but is not sure why

Candy: Well, I think it was brilliant. Just brilliant. If I had to sum up what I thought of that stand, I would say… ….um.. …. .brilliant.

Audience wails in ecstasy

Hugh: Stephan, you’ve never impressed me. I think you’re too short, you’re ugly, and I’ve never liked the way that you stand. That is (dramatic pause) until tonight. Tonight you were on fire. You stood there better then you ever have before. Tonight, you were a standing God.

Audience screams and several young girls actually explode…

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