Local Putz Sends in Resume to Satirical News Source because his Friends ‘Think He’s Funny’

July 17, 2006

Roswell, GA –Roswell resident Brian Hamilton blindly sent in his resume this week to the satirical news source The Onion because his friends thought he was funny on Wednesday night while mocking the Channel 5 News story of a local bridge that had washed out.

“Dude, he was just on a roll,” friend Jeffery (Jeff) Kettle said, “he had me rolling on the floor laughing so hard I thought that a piece of sausage from my meatlovers pizza was about to come out of my nose”.

His decision to submit the resume came on the heals of his recently unsuccessful bid to gain employment at a local temp firm. When reached for comment, the temp firm’s executive assistant Margie Roberts said, “Yeah, I thought he was kinda funny. But funny just wasn’t what our client was looking for at the time. I mean, who really cares if the office temp in accounting is funny or not. Besides, no one wants to be seen talking to the temp unless theyre hot," adding quickly, "which he wasn't".

In addition to the other night, Brian’s friends have thought he was funny on a couple other occasions. He has been lauded for his numerous humorous attempts, including a particular instance where he imitated a local gentleman who fell down with a whole tray of food in his hands while trying to return to his table at The Golden Corral. In that situation Brian was observed to be “unexpectedly entertaining”.

When reached for comment, Scott Dikkers, Editor-in-Chief of The Onion, responded, “Look, we get like 100 resumes a day for people wanting to work here - and frankly, we don’t read any of them. On our website clearly says that we don’t hire people that way. So Mr. Whoever can either check our jobs section or apply the same way as the rest of my staff applied: by trapping, presenting and sacrificing a hobo to me in the name of the Egyptian god Bes”.

Asked if Brian stood a chance at gaining employment at The Onion his friend Steven said, “I don’t know man. I mean, he was funny and all – but Jeff and I were pretty stoned at the time. And, like, how many of the readers of that magazine are stoned when they read it?”.

When asked what he would do if The Onion did not see it in their best interest to hire him Brian commented, "I'll head back to that temp place. I think that chick there thought I was hot".