Nonconformist Reformist

This is a blog post that doesn't follow the rules. Unlike those other blogs, it’s edgy and raw. It's kicking your ass and not what you've come to expect from those other guys. What other blog posts are afraid to say, this one will scream. It will be all up in your grill and hitting on your girlfriend. You had better prepare to be rocked because this blog post will not conform to normal. So get ready to experience the extreme awesomeness that is an insane-crazy mixture of the written word and cheap marketing buzzwords, yo!

Faith for Sale

I come from a part of the country where people have what is known as personal faith. They believe that their own values and morals are stronger if forced out into the public marketplace of ideas. Strength in character is understood to come from an internal struggle and materializes as personality principles grounded in that person’s private beliefs.

When I moved to the South years ago I was very taken back by the openness and advertising of structures of morality. People’s faith seems to be not only open, but advertised freely in hopes to either encourage others or reaffirm one’s own beliefs. To me, this is horrifying and cheapens the individual moral reasoning essential for creating an honorably-balanced person. It is only under private contemplation that character is formed and personal morals, values and judgments about things still not understood by the world at large are weighed and measured. Substituting this process for a desire to belong to a clique or by blindly following a dogma ensconced in its own problems is not going to end well for either the individual or the any culture.

What I find most appalling is the shameful way that some people here advertise their religion for financial gain. Not only is it prevalent in all classes in the deep south, it is done so unabashedly and without further contemplation. Now, I am probably the last person who should get on a soapbox about this, but I don’t see anyone else doing it – so here goes:

When you put an ichthys on your billboards, business cards or business you are essentially trying to substitute your religious group for personal responsibility. Sure, you think that it lends some sort of creditability to your business, but in reality it is explicit promotion your religious affiliation for money. Or in other words, you are selling your personal beliefs for cash.

But this type of thing reaches much further than “Hire me I’m a Christian” stickers. It actively works to create pockets of people who deal only with like-minded people. This type of action fosters isolation, animosity and xenophobia. It is not only bad for our society, it’s possibly the most un-Christian thing that you can do.

Entry for November 21, 2009

So the same party that constantly calls for privatization, and that the government can't do anything right or that the private sector does everything better, is now saying that government health care option would put the private companies out of business.

Other thing that they will soon calling for:
More taxes to combat wealth distribution
Reinterpretation of the Constitution to stop people from changing it
Increase the amount of abortion doctors to talk patients out of abortions

Today's vote will be interesting.

Just the Facts, Ma'am

I would like to thank everyone out there, no matter if they remember having met me at some point or another, for getting right to the point. There seems to be an overabundance of respectful individuals to just say what it is that they want or need and then move on without a longwinded explanation as to why it is that they want or need a specific thing and how it is currently affecting their life. They just state it, much like a mathematic equation with a finite beginning and end, and move on. Just like the other day when I was standing at the checkout line a Publix and the nice woman in front of me decided to regale me with the full story about how she decided that the Bush beans were superior then the store brand, complete with side anecdote of her sick sisters moving and how it will alter her impending operation, after I had asked her if she had dropped her keys. So please let me extend this warm thank you to everyone out there, whether they are currently at work, like my sister who works at a humane society office and is worried that the Christmas season will bring with it another influx of poorly gifted animals, or my father who is currently retired and living at the beach (and if you haven’t been to the beach in NC, especially around the most southern part of the state, but still north of the tackiness of Myrtle Beach, I highly suggest it. But not at this time of year, the best time to visit in around June or August. Make sure that you visit local restaurants and stores, as that part of the country relies heavily on tourism), thank you for not wasting my time.

Entry for November 6, 2009

So I was thinking, suppose you owned an account firm, needed a lawyer, or was just looking to fill an empty position that made over 50K a year. Which of these two people would you hire?



Now what does that say about the products that they represent?

Entry for November 4, 2009

Skepticism is a good thing, but you should never let it convince you of a more easily understood answer.

Entry for November 1, 2009

Nothing interrupts work faster than a good excuse.

Your Shirt Says it All

I’m a pretty good judge of character, but sometimes I could use a little help. That is why I would like to take a minute and thank certain folks for helping me understand who they are. For instance, a week or so ago at the Pumpkintown Festival, in front of the Boy Scouts fried donut tent, I spotted a gentleman who clearly left me wondering about his masculinity. He was just standing there, all 5’4” of him, in cowboy boots and tight jeans, and I couldn’t help thinking, “I wonder if this guy is a badass.” Then, as if a gift sent from Zeus himself, the gentleman turned around to reveal that he was truly a badass. At least, that is what his shirt said. So understanding the laws of exclusivity that is the t-shirt business, I had absolute confirmation that this person was indeed a tough, independent outlaw, who was so confident in his own manliness that he was allowed to buy a t-shirt just to convey how wickedly badass he is to the world. And for that I thank him.

This last week someone gave me the perfect idea for a Christmas gift for a hard-to shop-for family member. Realizing that I would never remember it come Christmas time, I headed to the mall. After purchasing the item I headed to the food court to celebrate with smoothie – because nothing says victory like a Grape Expectations with added whey powder. Along the way I was lucky enough to encounter a group of independent, nonconformists who prefer to be called “Goths.” You can tell they are nonconformists because they all have a very strict dress code that they adhere to, shop only in very select places, and all act almost identical. This rigid dogma that they follow out of both fear of peer condemnation and a desperate desire to fit in to their small click really shows the determination that these freethinkers have to remain individuals. But again I started thinking and wondered if this group of matching rebels was truly as free as they portrayed. Then, as if a gift sent from Ra, they all headed into Hot Topic. This sealed the deal because, as everyone knows, Hot Topic is a corporate company wholly unlike their neighbors of Abercrombie & Fitch. It may be the only place in the mall that someone who is an individual can buy a mass-produced piece of clothing from a corporate entity, created by a marketing team dedicated to making sure they their customers all look, act and support the exact same things, in order to reconfirm that they are all uniformed as 100% nonconformists. And for that I thank them.

Finally yesterday I had my last encounter with someone whose shirt helped me understand who they are. Flanked by her perfume encrusted mother, was a girl who was about 12 years old. My immediate thought was, “I wonder how this prepubescent, emotionally undeveloped child is in bed.” Sure, sex with an adolescent child is illegal, immoral and horrifying, but I bet that it’s also sexy and awesome. Which is why I was glad to see that she was sporting a shirt that said, “Sexy, awesome hotness and I’m available.” I mean, if that doesn’t just answer the questions about the availability of a sexy, awesome 12 year old, nothing will. As she passed I had yet another thought, “sure the front of that juvenile maybe sexy and ready for hot loving, but what about her backside. Would it be as welcoming and ready as her front?” Then, as if a gift sent from Rama, my next question was answered. As both mother and daughter walked away, I saw the words “juicy” on their asses. And for that I thank them because I now know everything that I need to know about them.

Entry for October 24, 2009

Fall leaves are nature's apology for the gray that will follow.

New and Improved and On Sale Now!

You know that thing that you've heard of that sounded really good? We have something like that! That’s right, we’ve just started carrying that thing that you’ve been meaning to try (you know, the European sounding thing that can make your life a little better).

Yep, we also have that thing from when you were younger. Remember when that thing was cool? Well we still think it is and we sell a version similar to what you vaguely remember! Come and create new memories that can pass as old ones with fond, safe and generic references to recent history and the things that were popular then!

Feel like you should be in better shape, but think it might be hard work? Don’t fret, we’ve just created a new thing that will help you look incredible with an acceptable amount of effort! Just buy our thing, follow the simple directions and you will be happy about yourself very soon!

Think technology couldn’t get any better? Well it just did! Our new thing will give you more free time while making you the envy of others. What more could you want? Simply purchase our newly created thing, on sale for a couple easy payments, and in no time at all you’ll have a better life.

But wait, there’s more!

Want to feel like the individual that you are? Just purchase our thing and you can feel special again. Not too far away from whom you are, but enough to make you feel good about yourself for a while. Then, we’ll have a new thing that will help you again. Things have a scientifically proven power to make you feel temporarily better and that’s ok because we can always come up with new things for you to buy.

Don't wait, new things are standing buy.

Entry for October 16, 2009

Subdivision (n)
1. the act or fact of subdividing.
2. a place where they tear out nature, build homes and then name the area after what was removed.

Entry for October 10, 2009

All new fashion starts with an idea and ends with a laugh.

Costume Doom

Clerk: Welcome to the Halloween Costume Shack can I point you in a certain direction?

Woman: Well, yeah, I’m looking for a Hippopotamus costume.

Clerk: No problem! We have over three different styles of sexy Hippos. We even have a sexy Pygmy Hippopotamus for younger girls.

Woman: I’m a biologist who studies the Malagasy Hippopotamus and would just like a costume that looks like a Hippo for our staff Halloween Party. I’m happy to make alterations to match what I need.

Clerk: I understand and you’ll be happy to hear that all of our Hippo costumes come with an option of either a mini-skirt or a micro-mini. And all of them have a matching mask and bikini top.

Woman: What?

Clerk: Now this model comes with pasties, but doesn't include the 4" heels. Whereas this model...

Woman: Please, I just want a Hippo costume. Is there something that you can order that just looks like a Hippopotamus and isn’t.. …..sexy?

Clerk: I’m not sure that I understand. You want a costume right?

Woman: Yes, of a Hippopotamus.

Clerk: So a sexy hippopotamus?

Woman: NO! Just a hippopotamus.

Clerk: But it’s for a woman!

Woman: Look here, I’ve studied devoted my life to studying Hippopotamus, they are majestic, beautiful and intelligent creatures, but they are in no way "sexy." So I don’t understand why I can’t just buy a costume of a Hippo that isn’t "sexy."

Clerk: I’m sorry, but everyone one of our female costumes is provocative. Along with the Sexy hippo, we have a slutty Rhinoceros, a seductive Whopping Crane and a Walrus whore.

Woman: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!!

Clerk: If you would like I can get my manager, he’s just finishing up selling that woman over there a slutty vending machine costume.

Woman: Goodbye.

The Bellicosity Curve

In 1943 multiple Pulitzer Prize winning historian Richard Hofstadter wrote the book Anti-Intellectualism in American Life which traced social movements that altered the role of intellect in American society. In it he argued, with extreme success, that anti-intellectualism and utilitarianism were functions of American cultural heritage, born out of our colonial European and evangelical Protestant heritage, and now embedded within our national fabric. He identified the major causes of anti-intellectualism in society as mediocrity in the public schools, and attacks on academic freedom in the universities and a press divided into niche markets.

The entire book was a social commentary on life leading up to the early 1960s, the increasing influence of Protestant evangelicalism, political egalitarianism, and the rising cult of practicality as the new criteria for assessing the private and public worlds. He spoke to the connection of religion, politics and public schools fostering the average person’s resentment and suspicion of intellect and of those who devoted their lives to it. Tracing through history, he then showed how this created a predictable reaction of "righteous" vengeance from a highly susceptible percentage of the population and how that rise is not only precipitated but cyclical.

I mention Hofstadter and his book because I spent this last week reading Glenn Beck’s five books, watching hours of his show and reading through his numerous pieces online. I did so because I’ve been trying to figure out why so many people find him to be a credible source of knowledge on politics, society and life in general. After submitting myself to all things Glenn Beck, I can honestly say that the people who follow this man are clearly not too intelligent. His books contradict themselves, his show is encourages people to isolate themselves, reinforce their predetermined opinions and uses the old trick of repetition to make truth out of fiction.

If virulence destroys an argument, it is only done so when fiction is embraced and civility is abandoned to mob rule. In Glenn Beck’s world, contempt of anything that he cannot understand is marketed like a commodity to a segment of the population who understands the topic less than him. What is more interesting is that his rise and eventual fall will be inextricably linked to both Hofstadter anti-intellectualism and the inevitable normal curve of shock media. Glenn Beck is the new Jerry Springer Show, Howard Stern, The Morton Downey Jr. Show or the practice of bleeding sick people. And the only way to combat his misinformation, thinly veiled bigotry and radical political ideologies, is to just let them run their course. So if you are like me would like to go all Lionel Trilling on the situation, but lack the cerebral firepower, don’t. Anything that you do to encourage either him or his momentary followers simply adds to his credibility as an anti-intellectual leader and extends the time during which he is relevant.

Why is it Always South Carolina?

I’ve lived in a lot of places in my life, but no where have I lived that had a reputation like South Carolina. We moved here a week after Miss Teen South Carolina, competing in the Miss Teen USA Pageant, made national headlines with possibly the worst answer to a question in the history of all questions and answers (video here). Then our intellectually challenged Governor got so lost on the Appalachian Trail that he ended up in bed with an Argentinean mistress, only to then cry on national TV as he tried to explain to the world that she was his "soul mate". This last week our 2nd Congressional District Representative to the US House, Addison Graves Wilson, Sr. (he just goes by "Joe"), who was previously only known for being one of the last holdouts for taking the Confederate symbol off of the state flag, heckled the president in a joint session of Congress. Seriously.

Historically speaking, SC has a reputation for being on the wrong side of almost everything argument since our inception. From the big things, like South Carolina being the last state to sign the Constitution (and only agreeing to join the Union on the condition that the Constitution wouldn't abolish slavery), to SC being first state to secede from the Union and the last to succeed in reestablishing its native white government after Reconstruction, to all of the small things, like South Carolina being last state to abandon a simple money fine for the murder of a slave, last to recognize MLK Day, an educational ranking of 49th in the country, 48th in unemployment, one of the worst states for woman’s health care, one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy, lowest infants birthrate, highest infant mortality, highest stroke death rate (which SC has had for a staggering 5 decades), 2nd highest death rate for oral cancer, one of the highest poverty rates within the US. All of this leads to the third worst life expectancy in the entire country (if there were ever a state in the US that could use health care reform, it’s South Carolina).

So naturally, with such an unhealthy, uneducated population, our representatives are going to be, well, representative. This helps to feed the rhetoric that amazes most of the country. They cannot understand why South Carolina has such high percentage of people who are unabashedly proud of their constantly poor decisions. South Carolina's arrogant backlash against what are mathematically unquestionable statistics, and inverse benevolence towards those who refuse to listen to elementary logic, are what causes the country to take note. Which is why, every couple of months, another South Carolinian makes national headlines for actions that the vast majority the country would categorize as "not too bright."

All of this continuously bad press was summed up by one of Politico’s lead headline this week: "What's the Matter with South Carolina?" The answer to Politico’s headline is simple. We are the most patriotic state in the country. We are the strongest, humblest and do more than any other state to make our country both strong and successful. Don’t believe me? What state would stand up against health care reform when they need it the most? What state would fight against government job stimulus when have skyrocketing unemployment and endemic poverty? What state would knowingly, historically and with full awareness of their actions, crucify themselves over and over again, prostrating themselves on the altar of every bad idea, hypocritical leader and backwards ideology, while still holding their heads up for the world to see? Who will? South Carolina will, that’s who. Without us, the other states would have no example of what not to be. That is our place in this country and we do a damn good job at it.

I’ll see you in the morning,
For now it’s time to sleep.
I will stay and watch a while,
Till you are counting sheep.
Don’t be afraid of darkness.
Don’t be afraid, my sweet.
The night is just a blanket,
That helps the earth to sleep.
Creatures great and creatures small,
Will all be sleeping soon.
Under the same blanket,
Under the same moon.
So close your eyes and go to sleep,
By the light of the moon above.
I’ll see you in the morning,
In the light of the sun my love.
Dream your dreams of moonbeams.
Let the night become your friend.
The twinkling stars will keep you safe,
Till morning comes again.
I’ll be here if you need me,
I’m only steps away.
So close your eyes and go to sleep
And dream of a brand-new day.
Good night, sleep tight and I’ll see you in the morning.

Unnecessary Ingredients or Why I Don’t Eat at Chick-fil-A

When we eat out, which can be quite often, it is either for friendship, freedom or frugality and rarely ever for the food. Add to that, with a couple of restaurant exceptions, most everything that we could eat out, we make better at home. That being said, when we do eat out we’re looking for something very specific: A decent meal, at a fair price, without too much else.

Let me clarify that a bit. Cooking a decent meal, especially in a restaurant setting, is not a hard thing to do. Even keeping the price reasonable is something that is relatively easy. Decent ingredients, proven recipes and reliable methods generally yield a meal that almost anyone could find comfort in eating. With that being understood, it is in the last part of what I am looking for when I eat out that seems to be the tricky part, so let me take a minute to explain.

I don’t eat out for word play. You are never going to be clever enough compensate for average food – so please don’t try it. It is not an organic whole wheat, free-range pork belly, hothouse tomatoes and arugula arranged on a bed of potato wedges. It’s a BLT with fries. I understand the desire to create a higher perceived value because the customer then believes that by consuming that product they in turn have enhanced their own worth, but by interjecting unnecessary attempts at heightened verbiage on something as simple as lunch, it just comes off as desperate pandering. This goes for any cute wordage as well. Here are just a few things that fall into that category: I don’t want to "biggie size" anything, I refuse to "slam it up," and it’s a Large, not a Tall. If you want to sell me a larger size, just ask if I want larger size.

Also in this category are those who attempt to add a social, spiritual or other extraneous aspects to their food (I don’t want to cleanse my body and soul, I just want a smoothy). The worst offender in this category is Chick-fil-A. For those of you who don’t know, Chick-fil-A is a fast food restaurant that serves a mighty tasty chicken sandwich. It is one of the few fast food chains that is both of decent quality and isn’t massive offensive to your digestive track. Also, Chick-fil-A is an organization that prides itself by wearing its morals on the outside. And while most of this is fairly benign (they aren’t open on Sundays), some of it has become too distracting for what they serve.

During the last election all of the local Chick-fil-A’s had political signs up and the employees were encouraged to tell people to have a blessed day. While I’m all for political involvement, such heavy-handed tactics are completely unnecessary and distracting from what they are in business to do: Sell me lunch. Moreover, by trying to create a clique where all likeminded people can gather and shop, they were actively working to create an atmosphere of “us versus them.”

Each time that I stood in line at a Chick-fl-A I kept thinking, "I didn’t come to your restaurant for a political movement, I didn’t come to your restaurant to feel that I’m part of some honorable cause and I didn’t come to your restaurant to be blessed for my ability to order, I came for a sandwich," but it still always came with everything else. It is for that reason alone that I stopped eating at Chick-fil-A and probably will not return for a long time. Lunch should never be that complicated.

I Am Now a Card-Carrying Nanotitanium Visa Member

My new Nanotitanium Visa Card finally arrived in the mail this week and I have to say that it is incredible. With a variable rate of just 32.9%, it has a hologram, is partially clear, allows me to put my own 3D picture on it AND still has room for the words “Exclusive Nanotitanium Visa Member” across the top. Sure it doesn’t allow me to accrue any points, has no benefits, and there is a monthly fee of $27.50, but there is another value that I place higher. When I pull my Nanotitanium Visa Card out and hold it up for the cashier or waiter to see, everyone is immediately impressed. It is my not so subtle way to tell the world that I am better than them, can afford to throw away money and I am part of elite, select, group of individuals put on a pedestal above everyone else. Finally, there is a way for me to express my sheer awesomeness in simple card form. And because I need to spend at least $3,700 a month to retain my Nanotitanium Visa Card, feel free to ask me to buy you something so that you can bask in the exclusiveness that is my good common sense, higher intellect and sound fiscal responsibility.

If I Had Won $260 Million Dollars

(with apologizes to Steve Martian)

There have been several very large lottery winners in the news lately and it’s gotten me thinking about playing the lottery. In the past I’ve only purchased tickets when the Powerball got up to an obscene number. I guess that at some point the potential for winning hundreds of millions of dollars overwhelmed my basic understandings of math, but I have never spent more than five bucks, so the loss was always easily forgettable.

These thoughts of playing the lottery all started a week ago when someone won $260 million dollars. Let me repeat that again, $260,000,000 dollars. Five times my cities 2008 operating budget. But more importantly, think of the good that you could do in the world with that money. An amount that large, used wisely, could make a sizable impact on many needy people.

If I had won the $260 million dollars, I think that the first thing that I would do would be to find the poorest parts of the world and build fully interactive children’s museums to teach them hope and joy. While providing jobs and helping those local economies, it would lift the intellectual level of the most impoverished children so that the next generation would be remarkably better off than the last.

If I had won the $260 million dollars, I think that the second thing that I would do would be to transfer 50 million dollars to an offshore bank account, but my first thing would still be to create the interactive children’s museums to teach them hope and joy.

If I had won the $260 million dollars, in the spirit of universal brotherhood, of course, would be the interactive children’s museums, then moving 50 million offshore and third would be to purchase the ability to command all that live and breathe using nothing more then my slightest thought.

If I had won the $260 million dollars, I would do that stuff for brats, then transfer that money, buy absolute power over people, and then celebrate my gift to humanity by having a weeklong orgy with Megan Fox, Kate Beckinsale and that French girl from the first Matrix movie… ..Moncia something. Of course I would include my beautiful wife too. She’s behind me 100% on this, I promise.

Come to think of it, maybe the wild sex thing should be first. I mean, I could die tomorrow and then I would have wasted all of that money. Don’t get me wrong, whatever that kid’s thing I’m doing is fine, but you need a celebration period to get it out of your system.

Who am I kidding; I could never build all of those interactive children’s museums in the poorest areas. It’s a logistical nightmare and I couldn’t get the political support or land needed to pull something like that off. So let’s reorganize, first: the sex, second the offshore banking – wait, the power over all should be second, then the money and then fourth, the kids. Hold on! I totally forgot revenge against all of those people in my life who’ve wronged me. They should pay for ever doubting me!!!! Make the revenge the fourth thing. And of course, if I had won the $260 million dollars, the fifth thing would be to build the needy a fully interactive children’s museums to teach them hope and joy.

Hyperbolic Rhetoric is Self-Defeating

In an era in which cognitive dissonance has become a national epidemic, news programs, public figures, corporations and some individuals have increasingly turned to hyperbolic conjecture to catch the attention of the public at large. While the policy of ever escalating rhetoric works in the short term, it is ultimately doomed to failure. Everything in the cosmos has a breaking point, and most people’s tolerance for increasingly inflammatory dialog is, while on a stretching scale of acceptability, finite. So when you see someone rise to that level of incendiary discourse, know that you are fully in your right to discount anything that they say from there on out.

To prove this theory, simply flip on your TV and tune into one of the latest pundit shows (it doesn’t matter what side, they’re all the same) and take a look at what is believed to be acceptable banter. Outrage is normal, loud conflict is routine and vulgarity is expected. People choose sides and virulently attack each other in the spirit of absolute reckless abandon. Inevitably, someone will compare someone else to Hitler and the whole thing becomes a who-is-worse-than-who argument. Being that this is TV, we should expect it to be filled to the brim with the flashy, substance-lacking, pseudo-intellectuals that can pass for free-thinking as long as they stick to their script. This type of televised conversation is nothing new and only seems to ooze into more of the media as the years go by.

What bothers me the most about this ever-increasing trend of focused verbal degradation is the fact that it is spilling over into our daily lives at an alarming rate. Otherwise normal people, not being paid to make an ass of themselves, are now comparing others to Hitler, telling jokes about their political adversaries dying and generally being horrible examples of the simplest forms of civility. Sure it’s easy to get sucked into a heated discussion, but we all need to have a line that we will not cross for the simple reason that no argument won through that much hatred is worth winning.