To Have and Have Not

Having lived just long enough to have gained the appreciation the art of complaining, I would like to have a minute of your time to bitch about having to listen to certain individual’s overuse of the word “have.” Given there are certain situations in which said word is needed, rarely should that ever be in place of a verb. It is nothing more than sheer grammatical laziness or a conversational nightmare. Listening to some continually use it in place of a millions of more suitable action words is mind numbingly insulting and makes me want to beat them senseless with a college thesaurus.

So in the spirit of conciliatory, non-bludgeoning, peace I would like to offer the following corrections to a few simple sentences so that we can all treat each other with a bit more linguistic civility:

Lazy: I’m having breakfast.
Better: I’m eating breakfast.

Lazy: I have a new phone.
Better: I just purchased/received a new phone.

Lazy: Have a seat.
Better: Please take a seat.

Lazy: I have had enough of this.
Better: No, you haven’t.

Now let’s all bask in the glory of simple, honest language that conveys a message without resorting to unnecessary substitutions.

Feel free to now have at me.

Just the Facts, Ma'am

I would like to thank everyone out there, no matter if they remember having met me at some point or another, for getting right to the point. There seems to be an overabundance of respectful individuals to just say what it is that they want or need and then move on without a longwinded explanation as to why it is that they want or need a specific thing and how it is currently affecting their life. They just state it, much like a mathematic equation with a finite beginning and end, and move on. Just like the other day when I was standing at the checkout line a Publix and the nice woman in front of me decided to regale me with the full story about how she decided that the Bush beans were superior then the store brand, complete with side anecdote of her sick sisters moving and how it will alter her impending operation, after I had asked her if she had dropped her keys. So please let me extend this warm thank you to everyone out there, whether they are currently at work, like my sister who works at a humane society office and is worried that the Christmas season will bring with it another influx of poorly gifted animals, or my father who is currently retired and living at the beach (and if you haven’t been to the beach in NC, especially around the most southern part of the state, but still north of the tackiness of Myrtle Beach, I highly suggest it. But not at this time of year, the best time to visit in around June or August. Make sure that you visit local restaurants and stores, as that part of the country relies heavily on tourism), thank you for not wasting my time.

Entry for October 16, 2009

Subdivision (n)
1. the act or fact of subdividing.
2. a place where they tear out nature, build homes and then name the area after what was removed.