I love the English language.

Communication is what makes us intellectual beings. If lines of communication are open and logical enough, any possible inspiration, intention, or idea is able to move from one individual to another. So the higher level of communicatory ability you poses, the better the chance you have of getting the exact thought in your mind across to someone else. This allows you to further stretch your mind and expand its possibilities through exterior stimulation and more freely flowing internal operation.

Recently while working on both conversational Latin and Spanish, I came to the conclusion that I am an English language snob. English, for all of its confusion and bizarre rules, is the most flexible and descriptive language ever derived. Just look at it in comparison to the other languages in the Western World: French has 100,000 words in common use; German has 184,000 in common use; and the English language has over 200,000 words in common use. But the thing that really separates English from every other language is the astonishing fact that there are over 650,000 words that CAN be used. In other words, English is the language of options.

Watch as I exercise my literary pleasance by describing, in an otherwise proscribed way, of how my lubricious wife always truckles under to my proclivity for her carnal genuflection, whether it’s because she is my myrmidon or for simple love, all using doggerel content, hopefully loquacious enough not to offend.

Wasn’t that the most tortuously complicated and beautifully dirty sentence ever!

For all of its idiosyncrasies, English is the most potentially descriptive language ever created. And I for one, plan to spend the rest of my life learning how to utilize English communication to its fullest.

I wonder if they'll increase the minimum wage when it passes the price of a gallon of gas

Fun with numbers:

According to the US Energy Information Administration:
In 2001 the average price of a regular gallon of gas nationwide was $1.14.
In 2005 the average price of a regular gallon of gas nationwide was $2.31

That is an increase of 202% over 4 years. Given that we can assume the same historical increases; the price of one gallon of gas will exceed the minimum wage of $5.15 in year 2010.

More fun:

According to the 2004 US Census:
The average commute nationwide is 24.4 minutes and 15 miles one direction or 48.8 minutes and 30 miles round trip for one day of work.

According to the Department of Transportation:
The average vehicle nationwide gets 21 miles per gallon.

According to the Energy Information Administration:
The July 17, 2006 national average of gallon of regular gas was $2.99.

So it takes longer for an employee making minimum wage and using all of the national averages less time to commute to work then to make up the money to pay for that commute.

Work shown:
30 miles/21mpg = 1.428571 gallons of gas for a single day commute
1.428571 x $2.99 = $4.27 dollars for one day commute
$4.27/$5.15 = .8291216 or 83% of an hour to pay for commute
60 minutes an hour x .8291216 = 50 minutes of work to pay for the commute

Yet even more fun:

According to the National Tax Foundation:
The average national tax percentage is 31.6%

According to the US Department of Labor:
The average national work week is 42 hours

So the average minimum wage worker, with the national average commute and the national average taxes taken into account, and not taken into account is the Earned Income Tax Credit because that is money refunded once a year and is not applicable to weekly expenses, takes home $126.18 a week.

Work shown:
42 hours a week x .316 percentage of tax = 13 hours 14 minutes per week to pay for taxes.
50 minutes to pay for commute x 5 days = 4 hours and 15 minutes
13 hours and 14 minutes + 4 hours and 15 minutes = 17 hours and 29 minutes
42 hours – 17 hours and 29 minutes = 24 hours and 31 minutes
24 hours and 31 minutes x $5.15 = $126.18

Sources:
http://tonto.eia.doe.gov/oog/ftparea/wogirs/xls/pswrgvwaf.xls
www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/american_community_survey_acs/001695.html
www.gao.gov/decisions/majrule/d03675r.htm
http://www.taxfoundation.org/files/sr140.pdf
http://www.bls.gov/schedule/archives/empsit_nr.htm

I wonder if they'll increase the minimum wage when it passes the price of a gallon of gas

Fun with numbers:

According to the US Energy Information Administration:
In 2001 the average price of a regular gallon of gas nationwide was $1.14.
In 2005 the average price of a regular gallon of gas nationwide was $2.31

That is an increase of 202% over 4 years. Given that we can assume the same historical increases; the price of one gallon of gas will exceed the minimum wage of $5.15 in year 2010.

More fun:

According to the 2004 US Census:
The average commute nationwide is 24.4 minutes and 15 miles one direction or 48.8 minutes and 30 miles round trip for one day of work.

According to the Department of Transportation:
The average vehicle nationwide gets 21 miles per gallon.

According to the Energy Information Administration:
The July 17, 2006 national average of a gallon of regluar gas is $2.99.

So it takes longer for an employee making minimum wage and using all of the national averages less time to commute to work then to make up the money to pay for that commute.

Work shown:
30 miles/21mpg = 1.428571 gallons of gas for a single day commute
1.428571 x $2.99 = $4.27 dollars for one day commute
$4.27/$5.15 = .8291216 or 83% of an hour to pay for commute
60 minutes an hour x .8291216 = 50 minutes of work to pay for the commute

Yet even more fun:

According to the National Tax Foundation:
The average national tax percentage is 31.6%

According to the US Department of Labor:
The average national work week is 42 hours

So the average minimum wage worker, with the national average commute and the national average taxes taken into account, and not taken into account is the Earned Income Tax Credit because that is money refunded once a year and is not applicable to weekly expenses, takes home $126.18 a week.

Work shown:
42 hours a week x .316 percentage of tax = 13 hours 14 minutes per week to pay for taxes.
50 minutes to pay for commute x 5 days = 4 hours and 15 minutes
13 hours and 14 minutes + 4 hours and 15 minutes = 17 hours and 29 minutes
42 hours – 17 hours and 29 minutes = 24 hours and 31 minutes
24 hours and 31 minutes x $5.15 = $126.18

Sources:
http://tonto.eia.doe.gov/oog/ftparea/wogirs/xls/pswrgvwaf.xls
www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/american_community_survey_acs/001695.html
www.gao.gov/decisions/majrule/d03675r.htm
http://www.taxfoundation.org/files/sr140.pdf
http://www.bls.gov/schedule/archives/empsit_nr.htm

Local Putz Sends in Resume to Satirical News Source because his Friends ‘Think He’s Funny’

July 17, 2006

Roswell, GA –Roswell resident Brian Hamilton blindly sent in his resume this week to the satirical news source The Onion because his friends thought he was funny on Wednesday night while mocking the Channel 5 News story of a local bridge that had washed out.

“Dude, he was just on a roll,” friend Jeffery (Jeff) Kettle said, “he had me rolling on the floor laughing so hard I thought that a piece of sausage from my meatlovers pizza was about to come out of my nose”.

His decision to submit the resume came on the heals of his recently unsuccessful bid to gain employment at a local temp firm. When reached for comment, the temp firm’s executive assistant Margie Roberts said, “Yeah, I thought he was kinda funny. But funny just wasn’t what our client was looking for at the time. I mean, who really cares if the office temp in accounting is funny or not. Besides, no one wants to be seen talking to the temp unless theyre hot," adding quickly, "which he wasn't".

In addition to the other night, Brian’s friends have thought he was funny on a couple other occasions. He has been lauded for his numerous humorous attempts, including a particular instance where he imitated a local gentleman who fell down with a whole tray of food in his hands while trying to return to his table at The Golden Corral. In that situation Brian was observed to be “unexpectedly entertaining”.

When reached for comment, Scott Dikkers, Editor-in-Chief of The Onion, responded, “Look, we get like 100 resumes a day for people wanting to work here - and frankly, we don’t read any of them. On our website clearly says that we don’t hire people that way. So Mr. Whoever can either check our jobs section or apply the same way as the rest of my staff applied: by trapping, presenting and sacrificing a hobo to me in the name of the Egyptian god Bes”.

Asked if Brian stood a chance at gaining employment at The Onion his friend Steven said, “I don’t know man. I mean, he was funny and all – but Jeff and I were pretty stoned at the time. And, like, how many of the readers of that magazine are stoned when they read it?”.

When asked what he would do if The Onion did not see it in their best interest to hire him Brian commented, "I'll head back to that temp place. I think that chick there thought I was hot".

Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.

Religion and myth are the reflection of the society and a compass for the direction in which they move.

Right now in America the Christian faith has become a social organization in which like-minded people can come together and learn how to judge each other. Their faith has become an assemblage where they learn the modern, acceptable ways to be bigoted, intolerant, and justified.

The average American Christian will deny this, but when you ask them about select social issues their true beliefs will come shinnying through in all of their fanatical glory. The true shame of it is that the next generation of Christians will also believe that hate and intellectual ignorance are true family values.

Religion and myth is what holds the intellectually lazy, fearful, or lonely to a path of action. And since it is so easy to change any religion or myth, the path can be easily skew towards whatever means is needed at that moment. The safety net to this course correction is in the fact that people believe that the message divine or infallible (“Oceania had always been at war with Eurasia”).

So that is the reflection of where we are as a culture right now: Spoiled, conceited, and blissfully ignorant (and we like it that way).

It will change soon, the pendulum swings both ways and will come back towards center before people can get much more fanatical. Thank Whatever that we as a society can't stick to one thing for very long.

Here is my open question: Are we to a communicational point in history where it is unreasonable to conceive of a holy war propagated for reason solely of divine value?

PS Feel free to argue anything I’ve written. I would actually like to be proven wrong on many of my points.

PPS Iraq was done for lots of reasons.. ….one might be religious, but that reason is waaaay down the list. It probably falls somewhere below Halliburton and “He tried to kill my Daddy”.

There is an inner joke here somewhere...

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today.

What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Entry for July 06, 2006

Have you ever wondered what would happen if there were no hypothetical situations?

Televised Fireworks Should Only be shown on CSPAN

The wife and I went to the local firework this evening, so we were home in time to see most of the nationally televised firework shows - and I have to say that every single fucking one of them missed the point. Each show kept panning across from the crowd to the sky, showing a smiling, gazing, blonde woman, or a spinning child completely oblivious to the large explosions directly above their head.

Personally, I could give two ant shits (assuming ant’s shit) about the scenery, the blonde, or the damn kid. All I want to see is crap exploding in the sky with cheesy, overly-dramatic, patriotic songs poorly strung together in the background.

So tomorrow I would like all of the congressman who read my blog (I know you’re out there Orrin Hatch) to introduce a bill to specify that only CSPAN can cover firework shows. One camera, pointed, aimed, unhosted and unmoved. Any other channels are welcome to get a feed from them – but are prohibited from running a ticker along the bottom, adding their huge logo blocking a chunk of the screen or showing any of those damn promos where people popup in the corner of the screen advertising for whatever comes on next.

Any violation will not result in a fine. Instead, for each infringement a program executive from the violating station will be tied to a rocket set shot into the heavens during the next firework show. And hopefully, you’ll be able to see them in full explosive color live on CSPAN.

Superman

So we went and saw Superman this weekend and I feel I need to share a few things.

1. I love comic book, popcorn, big budget movies - Im a complete sucker for them. No matter how intelligent I become, how old I get, or how mature I think I am, I will always love a good superhero movie.


2. Superman is the best superhero ever. Period. Why? Because Superman stands alone. Superman did not become Superman, Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he is Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red S is the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears, the glasses the business suit, that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? He's weak, unsure of himself... he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race.


3. Go see this movie. Its big, long and does a good job picking up speed as it goes. Moreover, its nice to see what we as a country attempt to embody. The Superman on the big screen always saves the day; we can only wish to look that good in tight cloths. We as a country have always aspired to be Superman and have (and will) always fall short of every incarnation of the man of steel (Nietzsche's included). But I dont believe it is in the failing but in the trying that matters. As long as we as a people aspire to be honest, noble, and benevolent in our lives then we all become a little bit of Superman. Now if we could only learn to fly...

Entry for July 02, 2006

Once I thought to be human was the highest aim a man could have, but I see now that it was meant to destroy me. Today I am proud to say that I am inhuman, that I belong not to men and governments, that I have nothing to do with creeds and principles. I have nothing to do with the creaking machinery of humanity – I belong to the earth. I say that lying on my pillow and I can feel the horns spouting from my temples.

Beer Braised BBQ Pork Butt (Shoulder or Picnic or Shoulder Roast or Shoulder Butt)

The Butt of a pig is actually the shoulder area through mid front calf. There is a lot of fat and connective tissue, which results in moist, succulent meat after many hours of cooking. Shoulder is the shoulder and Picnic is the part in-between the shoulder and the calf of the animal. Either will work. Picnic is usually a little fattier and cheaper. Both portions, however, are inexpensive.

Pulled pork, which is what this recipe is called in the South, is an absolute beauty of a BBQ if done right. This recipe is easy to follow, cheap, and delicious.

For the dry rub:
1 tablespoons salt
About 40 grinds black pepper
2 tablespoons chili powder
1 tablespoon garlic powder
2 teaspoons ground coriander
2 teaspoons ground mustard seed
12 ounces good ale or dark beer, Warsteiner works best
4 cloves garlic, chopped
1 5-pound pork butt (shoulder of the animal) .

Trim the skin and majority of the easily removable excess fat off of the meat. Don’t be too careful, most of it will cook off.

Combine rub ingredients in a bowl and mix well. Rub all over pork butt. Wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least three hours and as long as overnight (do not exceed 10 hours or meat will become too salty).

Preheat oven to 500 degrees F. Unwrap pork and place in a roasting pan with sides about 2 inches high. Cook 45 minutes until dark browned and even blackening in places. Remove from oven. Lower oven to 325 degrees F. Pour beer over the top and add chopped garlic around the pork. Cover tightly with heavy duty aluminum foil or twice with regular foil. Poke about 10 holes all over the top of the foil. Cook pork butt 2 1/2 hours longer until so tender that it comes away very easily from center bone.

Place the meat on a plate and pour the pan juice (there will be plenty) into a saucepan. To the pan juices add:

1/2 cup ketchup
2 tablespoons regular Dijon mustard
3 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1/3 cup dark brown sugar
1/4 cup apple cider vinegar

Bring to a simmer until reduced by half and thick, about 20 minutes.

While the sauce is boiling down, pull apart the pork with 2 forks.

Serve either on a plate with the sauce on the side (or over the top) or on a bun with the sauce on top.

Enjoy!

The Global Warming 'Argument'

Now that Al Gore's movie and book An Inconvenient Truth is out, I've been seeing more and more questions questioning the science of Global Warming. So I thought a little background with some references is needed for those of you naysayers and undecided.

Global warming is the observed increase in the average temperature of the Earth's atmosphere and oceans in recent decades. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/global%20warming). It is mostly man-made and comes from everything from factories to cars. Every single real scientific study links global warming directly to humans. (http://www.epa.gov/ebtpages/airairpoglobalwarming.html).

It's only certain political figures that don't want to change things for reasons easily guessable. That is why the whole developed world signed that Kyoto Treaty and why every single developed country is working to reduce their polluting of the air, water, and land.

See the new Gore movie; it has the backing of the scientific community AND GOVERNMENTAL POLITICAL ORGANIZATIONS:

Scientific community:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060627/ap_on_sc/gore_s_science

Government Organizations:

NOAA (National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration) on why Peer-Reviewed Journals are the only real scientific studies to be believed: http://www.ncdc.noaa.gov/paleo/globalwarming/peerreview.html

The EPA's site for KIDS: http://www.epa.gov/globalwarming/kids/index.html

From NASA:
http://earthobservatory.nasa.gov/Library/GlobalWarming/

The Atmospheric Radiation Measurement (ARM) Program is an important part of the U.S. Department of Energy's strategy to understand global climate change:
http://education.arm.gov/studyhall/warming.stm

http://globalchange.gov/
http://www.fueleconomy.gov/feg/climate.shtml
http://marine.usgs.gov/cgi-bin/locator?selected_topic=14&selected_region=n&selected_content=n
http://www.usaid.gov/our_work/environment/climate/
http://lwf.ncdc.noaa.gov/oa/climate/globalwarming.html

All of the above are .gov sites. That means that EVERY SINGLE GOVERNMENT AGENCY THAT DEALS WITH THE ENVIRONMENT IN ANY POSSIBLE WAY AGREES THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS AN ISSUE CREATED BY MAN!!! LET ME REPEAT: EVERY SINGLE ONE OF OUR GOVERNMENT ORGANIZATIONS AGREES THAT WE ARE THE CAUSE OF GLOBAL WARMING. NOW SERUIOUSLY, WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU STILL BELIEVE THAT THIS IS NATURAL WHEN EVEN THE WHOLE GOVERNMENT, MINUS THE PRESIDENT'S ADMINISTRATION, AGREES ON THE SAME OUTCOME?!?!?!? ARE YOU REALLY THAT F*CKING STUPID WHERE YOU WOULD BELIEVE A GROUP OF POLITICIANS OVER THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY?!??!?!?

Seriously, have you ever noticed that people who don’t believe in the fact that humans created this problem offer no real evidence what-so-ever? That is exactly what is holding us back in taking real steps in fixing this very easily fixable problem. All people like this due is try to poke holes in something that is already rock-solid in ALL REAL SCIENTIFIC (GOVERNMENT) COMMUNITIES. Hollywood, Gore, or anyone else did not make this up. It is our own government organizations, working separately, that have all come to the same conclusion. The people who don't believe offer nothing but opinions and fake studies done by non-governmental - or none-peer reviews - organizations.

It is a real problem that can be fixed with easy measures. Who are you going to believe, the scientists or the politicians?

Entry for June 30, 2006

Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t smoke pot, but I think 311 is as to rock as a nap and a cold glass of water are to a Friday night. They’re played relentlessly on radio and every time I hear them I think to myself that I can’t be the only one completely bored by this band. They are the Hootie and the Blowfish to alternative music. But then again, maybe if I smoked pot...

But they said it was all about morals!?!?!

There is nothing dumber in this world then a lower-middle to middle class Republican.

Wired for Distraction by William Kanapaux

If it turned out that an everyday household item was capable of creating permanent changes in the brains of infants and toddlers, would you keep it or toss it? What if you felt you couldn’t live without it?

A study appearing in the April issue of the journal Pediatrics has said what many have probably suspected for some time now: that TV is essentially rewiring young brains. The flashing of images, the cutting back and forth, the commercial breaks all appear to structure the developing brain so that it looks for and expects rapid-fire patterns.

The study found that for every hour of TV that children from ages 1 to 3 watched, the odds of having attention problems later in life increased by 10 percent. About 50 percent of toddlers watch three or more hours of TV a day, meaning that they have at least a 30 percent greater chance of suffering from attention deficit disorders at age 7 than do toddlers who watch no TV.
Because the human brain continues to develop throughout the early years, the neurological changes that occur from being exposed to this barrage of stimuli are thought to be permanent. By artificial means, the child’s brain is rewired to expect a higher threshold of stimulation than a book or classroom could possibly deliver.

The problem seems to have grown over the last 10 years, as computer technology has allowed for greater manipulation of visual images.

But what about those of us who may have escaped childhood relatively unscathed, at least by today’s standards? Are we being rewired, too, at some level? Have we lost our ability to concentrate?

The changes to television haven’t occurred in a vacuum but have developed alongside other advances in personal-entertainment and communication devices, and it’s difficult to imagine that our media-saturated, gadget-oriented world hasn’t hurt our ability to concentrate and interact meaningfully with our surroundings.

Consider the computer: Computers are often held up as the antidote to television. Yes, they both involve staring into a screen, but TV is a passive form of entertainment while the computer is based on interactivity. We click, we surf, we view, we send. The user is in control of the experience.

But that experience also encourages quick bursts of attention and the search for novelty. A user might have four or more windows opened at once—clicking back and forth among them while also writing a document (say, a technology column), checking e-mails and playing a computer game for a quick distraction from the other distractions.

Unfortunately, multi-tasking doesn’t work all that well, as anyone who’s ever tried to talk on the phone while playing solitaire can attest. That’s a skill better left to computers, which can enhance their efficiency by squeezing out every possible nanosecond from their CPU when necessary.

Human brains don’t function on binary code. Bits of information and trains of thought get lost as the mind skips from one point to the next, never quite able to focus on any given one. Long-term focus gets lost in a haze of half-formed thoughts.

And that’s the kind of world we’re encouraged to live in. Even a 30-minute trip to the local lube shop for an oil change is hardly a respite. Most often a TV blares in the corner. And with any luck, one of the news channels will be playing—its ticker tape, scroll bar and other text and graphics competing with the talking heads for screen space and the viewer’s attention.

The overall effect is one of distraction and insulation from the people around us. This effect can also be seen with game consoles such as X-Box and PS2, which demand complete attention through a steady barrage of sights and sounds. Even when other people are involved, the main interaction and focus of attention is with the machine that delivers the medium.

This effect doesn’t stop with TVs and computers. MP3 players offer the user thousands of music files to choose from. A person can block out large portions of the outside world with a never-ending stream of music with no fear that reality will creep in during a change of cassette or CD. The real world simply becomes visual imagery for the sounds and rhythms delivered to the brain.

Cell phones and wireless Internet create even more opportunities to distract and insulate us from the world that surrounds us. A trip to the coffee shop becomes a caffeinated Internet session with slightly different scenery.

So where does it leave us, other than distracted and unable to concentrate?

It’s fairly clear that our minds are quite capable of grasping new technology and using it to our advantage. But has anything really changed? We are, after all, the product of billions of years’ worth of evolution. But because of our technical prowess, we’re also as close as we’ve ever been to making our planet uninhabitable.

Global problems are complex and require a high level of attention to solve. But if as a society we are trained to seek out distraction, we are far more likely to insulate ourselves with endless entertainment than we are to engage in the difficult and daunting task of solving the world’s problems.

At the same time, those who control the source of our distractions, namely the media conglomerates and the political leaders they support, will hold greater control over a populace that demands to be entertained and wants its “information” in digestible bits. This creates a situation where a large portion of the population is ripe for manipulation, whether it be for political gain, financial gain or both.

And yet this manipulation can seem all but invisible to the one on the receiving end. Take computer games, for instance. Does a person ever control the game or does the game control the person? A person can master the game, but only because that person has mastered the rules of the game, and that game has a developer who created the rules.

This is not to say that technology in itself is bad. But if it has the power to shape our brains and our lives, then it needs to be approached with a certain level of caution. We are already undergoing an evolution of sorts. In many ways, technology has primed us for change. We think, perceive and react differently than the generations who have come before us.

But the question becomes, to what end? And do we really want to send the next generation of children headlong into that world if we’re not even sure what’s in store?

It’s enough to make you want to kill your television, if you could only remember why.

Source: http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/113/4/708

Mango Steak

Mango Steak

2 8-12 oz steaks
½ cup minced onion
4 cups diced ripe mango
½ cup chopped cilantro
1½ cup diced red bell pepper
4 tablespoons French ginger
4 tablespoons olive oil
2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
2 teaspoons fresh limejuice

Directions

1. Combine all ingredients (except steak) into a large ziplock bag.
2. Add steak to bag, remove as much air from bag as possible, and let marinade in the refrigerator for 30 minutes, turning the bag over at the 15 minute mark.
3. Remove steak and grill to liking (please don’t cook your steak past medium – that’s just wrong).
4. Cook marinade until it reaches 140 degrees and immediately move it to a separate serving dish.
5. Serve steak on top of ladled cooked marinade

Fun quotes I found this week...

These seemed to have some baring on life today:

"Remember always that all of us...are descended from immigrants and revolutionists."
– Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes that you can do these things. Among them are a few Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or businessman from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid."
– President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1952

Also, I’ve been reading John Adams by David McCullough and this quote really struck me as wonderful:

"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history and naval architecture, navigation, commerce and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain."
– John Adams, letter to Abigail Adams, 1780

Entry for June 11, 2006

I have a theory that Rod Stewart was created in a lab by scientists who wanted something to listen to as they rode the elevator down to their labs.

Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk

There are three kinds of people in this world. I know you’ve heard that before. Everyone has their “three or two types of people,” or their four or five… But there are three, and the models for these types come neither from psychology nor ancient religion. They come from Columbia Studios and they are archetypally embodied in The Three Stooges.

The Stooges unwittingly – of course – left us a rich legacy of deft interpretations of the most primal human behavior patterns. Their short films, seen as a whole, form a tapestry in which the interactions of people as individuals, corporations, and nations are distilled into a microcosm, a pure essence of existential folly.

There are but a small percentage of Moes in any given population: perhaps five percent. There are even fewer Curlys. The vast bulk of humanity are Larrys (thought represented by male characters, the three also apply to women).

The Moe Personality
Moe is the active personality, and if not always dominant, always striving to be. Moe is the one who spurs the others into action. He devises plans to better their lot, but when his plans fail the other two suffer the consequences. But is Moe any less the fool because they follow his plans?

He is a natural manipulator, only partially because the others are waiting to be manipulated. He would want to manipulate them anyway, even if they weren’t so willing.

The Larry Personality
Larry is a born follower, a blank slate that only reacts (and slowly at that) to external stimuli. He never initiates action. He is Moe’s absolute tool, the truest “stooge”. When Moe’s abuse finally does make him angry he lashes out not at Moe, but at Curly. No matter how he suffers under Moe’s yoke he never really rebels. He argues, but gives up easily.

Were it not for the presence of his friends, Larry probably would live in peace – a dull, flat, mechanical person. Though clumsy, he is till the most employable of the three – for the other two are incapable following orders, although for different reasons.

The Curly Personality
Curly is the only likeable one, a truly rare human model. He is the holy man, the Divine Fool. He is as creative and active as Moe – but it is a spontaneous and joyous kind of creativity, no fool for the kind of plotting and scheming required by a Moe-dominated society. He is a free spirit, but correspondingly unable to function well in a world of Moes and Larrys. He, like Larry, is perpetually abused, but he intuitively understands what is happening to him and reacts far more angrily – if equally ineffectually. He is everyone’s favorite Stooge because he is the funniest; though his innate nobility and natural humility he constantly best Moe, but it is in an unconscious way and it is only apparent to the outside observer. Curly himself is hardly aware of his talents; his weakness is that he does not know his own strength and cannot trust his own luck.

In real life Culrys are usually branded by the Moes and Larrys around them as retarded, schizophrenic, maladjusted, OCD, or just plain stupid…. .whereas, in reality it is only Curly who understands the truth. Remaining cheerful through adversity, he wins battles not by fighting, but by “accidentally” unleashing “accidents” in which his enemies injure themselves.

Stooge Co-Existence
Alien to feelings of avarice or ambition, Curly is the opposite of Moe. Yet the two are drawn together by some inexplicable balancing force of nature. The Larry, are ever the in-betweeners, slug-like nonentities caught in the crossfire of cosmic dualities - yet remaining there by some herding instinct that makes being a casualty of the Moe vs. Curly battle preferable to life alone with other Larrys.

Only the existence of the blameless, bovine Larrys makes that of Moe or Curly possible. They are able to maintain their level of glandular brutality and senseless destruction only at the expense of an unquestioning, loyal worker drone whose income partially supports their excesses. Were he not there to diffuse Moe’s anger by becoming another recipient of his blows, Curly would have been killed long ago and Moe would have committed suicide out of loneliness.

The horror of it all is that the three types need each other to survive. Of all nature’s cycles of parasitic symbiosis, the one involving the three human types is the most nightmarish. It rages around us all the time spreading death and madness, yet when we see it on the screen we call it “comedy”.

I hate Jimmy Buffett

Having lived for a couple of years on a small Caribbean island, like the ones loosely described in many of Jimmy Buffett’s songs, I have really grown to despise his music and now see it for what it is: It’s music for wannabe tourists that reeks of coconut-burnt skin and blue socks with sandals while swaying off rhythm to phony island beats played by people who hate their guts and despise the day that they ever decided that they ever wanted American dollars. It’s music for people who have no idea what happens on an island once the cruise ship leaves – who pretend that they long for the sea and a cold beer, but arrive on floating palaces and suck down $7 cocktails. It is everything that island music is not: fake, soulless and paraded for those who will no participate and add to the rhythm. So please, don’t try to play me Jimmy Buffett songs and pretend that you know – because you have no fucking clue.