My blog contains a large number of posts. A few are included in various other publications, or as attached stories and chronicles in my emails; many more are found on loose leaves, while some are written carelessly in margins and blank spaces of my notebooks. Of the last sort most are nonsense, now often unintelligible even when legible, or half-remembered fragments. Enjoy responsibly.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Things I Noticed at the Mall

I had to visit the local mall this week and came to a couple of realizations that for some reason I feel compelled to share:

I refuse to purchase a cookie from anyone weighing less than 100 pounds working The Great American Cookie Company.

There is no good reason that anyone needs instant headset communication to sell underwear.

You know that you are no longer in their demographic when you are old enough to remember when the bands on the t-shirts at Hot Topic were actually cool.

Nothing says that you will never make over $12 an hour like a neck tattoo.

There is no amount of lotion or perfume that is going to make you smell thinner.

It probably isn’t going to be the quality of gold he says it iswhen he can’t even afford deal with his unibrow.

Spencer’s Gifts stops being cool when you reach the age of 15.

Seriously, I could give a rat’s ass that the new Danielle Steel book is out. It's still not going to give you back a functional uterus.

There is nothing sadder in the mall then a holiday be-vested woman standing behind the register in an empty Hallmark store.

I understand that Juicy is a clothing company name, but if it said Underage & Willing across your ass it would mean the same thing.

There is no gift from Things Remembered will ever be remember for more than twenty minutes.

2 comments:

Kate said...

Ah, malls. They bring us together just like cheap hotel rooms. Because wherever you go in the country, they are all the same.

Neena said...

Despite my own recent experience at the mall…did you know the highest available clothing size is a medium? Do I get free plastic surgery with this shirt? I agree to disagree.

You said… “I refuse to purchase a cookie from anyone weighing less than 100 pounds working The Great American Cookie Company.”

I say… “If I was to go The Great American Cookie Company for a cookie and everyone was overweight I would be reminded that I really don’t need a cookie!

You said… “There is no good reason that anyone needs instant headset communication to sell underwear.”

I say… “There’s something about women dressed professionally, wearing instant communication headsets, selling almost nonexistent underwear and push up bras that makes me ask three things:

1. What color and how skimpy are the underwear she has on?
2. If I asked her to, would she model this for me?
3. If I were to eavesdrop on their telecommunication conversations would I hear the erotic conversations I imagine them having?

You said… “You know that you are no longer in their demographic when you are old enough to remember when the bands on the t-shirts at Hot Topic were actually cool.”

I say… “You think Insane Clown Posse was cool?

You said… “Nothing says that you will never make over $12 an hour like a neck tattoo.”

I say… “Unless you have artistic talent and work as a tattoo artist…”

You said… “There is no amount of lotion or perfume that is going to make you smell thinner.”

I say… “If I apply enough it may blind you and I’ll be fuzzy and out of focus, so you won’t notice my back fat.”

You said… “It probably isn’t going to be the quality of gold he says it is when he can’t even afford deal with his unibrow.”

I say… “Yeah, I concede that one.”

You said… “Spencer’s Gifts stops being cool when you reach the age of 15.”

I say… “Having everything you own…including, but not limited to, your purse, slippers, underwear, clothing, jewelry, home d├ęcor and skin emblazoned with the playboy bunny does not make you a Playboy Centerfold, nor does it make you Hugh Hefner.”

You said… “Seriously, I could give a rat’s ass that the new Danielle Steel book is out. It's still not going to give you back a functional uterus.”

I say… “BUT it will allow you to say you enjoy “reading” without having to open a book that may generate genuine thought.”

You said… “There is nothing sadder in the mall then a holiday be-vested woman standing behind the register in an empty Hallmark store.”

I say… “Except for maybe the famous author she has hidden in her house that has two broken ankles, and no hope of escape.”

You said… “I understand that Juicy is a clothing company name, but if it said Underage & Willing across your ass it would mean the same thing.”

I say… “Why not cut to the chase and draw an arrow with a flashing sign that says “Please Enter Here!”

You said… “There is no gift from Things Remembered will ever be remembered for more than twenty minutes.”

I say… “Except for maybe the vibrator that has my name engraved on it, I’ll be reminded every time it falls out of my purse and I say, ‘That’s not mine! Where did that come from?’”