If I Had Won $260 Million Dollars

(with apologizes to Steve Martian)

There have been several very large lottery winners in the news lately and it’s gotten me thinking about playing the lottery. In the past I’ve only purchased tickets when the Powerball got up to an obscene number. I guess that at some point the potential for winning hundreds of millions of dollars overwhelmed my basic understandings of math, but I have never spent more than five bucks, so the loss was always easily forgettable.

These thoughts of playing the lottery all started a week ago when someone won $260 million dollars. Let me repeat that again, $260,000,000 dollars. Five times my cities 2008 operating budget. But more importantly, think of the good that you could do in the world with that money. An amount that large, used wisely, could make a sizable impact on many needy people.

If I had won the $260 million dollars, I think that the first thing that I would do would be to find the poorest parts of the world and build fully interactive children’s museums to teach them hope and joy. While providing jobs and helping those local economies, it would lift the intellectual level of the most impoverished children so that the next generation would be remarkably better off than the last.

If I had won the $260 million dollars, I think that the second thing that I would do would be to transfer 50 million dollars to an offshore bank account, but my first thing would still be to create the interactive children’s museums to teach them hope and joy.

If I had won the $260 million dollars, in the spirit of universal brotherhood, of course, would be the interactive children’s museums, then moving 50 million offshore and third would be to purchase the ability to command all that live and breathe using nothing more then my slightest thought.

If I had won the $260 million dollars, I would do that stuff for brats, then transfer that money, buy absolute power over people, and then celebrate my gift to humanity by having a weeklong orgy with Megan Fox, Kate Beckinsale and that French girl from the first Matrix movie… ..Moncia something. Of course I would include my beautiful wife too. She’s behind me 100% on this, I promise.

Come to think of it, maybe the wild sex thing should be first. I mean, I could die tomorrow and then I would have wasted all of that money. Don’t get me wrong, whatever that kid’s thing I’m doing is fine, but you need a celebration period to get it out of your system.

Who am I kidding; I could never build all of those interactive children’s museums in the poorest areas. It’s a logistical nightmare and I couldn’t get the political support or land needed to pull something like that off. So let’s reorganize, first: the sex, second the offshore banking – wait, the power over all should be second, then the money and then fourth, the kids. Hold on! I totally forgot revenge against all of those people in my life who’ve wronged me. They should pay for ever doubting me!!!! Make the revenge the fourth thing. And of course, if I had won the $260 million dollars, the fifth thing would be to build the needy a fully interactive children’s museums to teach them hope and joy.