My blog contains a large number of posts. A few are included in various other publications, or as attached stories and chronicles in my emails; many more are found on loose leaves, while some are written carelessly in margins and blank spaces of my notebooks. Of the last sort most are nonsense, now often unintelligible even when legible, or half-remembered fragments. Enjoy responsibly.

Monday, July 07, 2008

I Fail to Believe That You Are a Christian



First of all, let me state that I am 99% Atheist (with the 1% going to the extremely rare possibility that Earth was created by a mythological superhero that now has turned vain and wants our approval). So my condemnation of people advertising that they are Christian comes with a grain of salt. That being said, I think that I'm in the right when I say that a lot of your Christianess is completely phony. These people are fairly easy to spot due to their overt attempts to tell the world that they are indeed Christians.

To help easily identify those who are not actually Christian, please see the following list a la my own Jeff Foxworthy knockoff of:

You Might Not Be A Christian if...

...you are proclaiming their religion in bumper sticker form - usually next to the equally important Looney Tune character sticker or Go Ahead and Honk, I'm Reloading. Because nothing says you love God more than putting him on the same level as Yosemite Sam.

...you are wearing a cross that cost more than the entire wealth of all of the money changers that Jesus through out of Temple in Jerusalem. Like you thought that the best representation of your vow-of-poverty prophet is a diamond encrusted, 24k gold, obscenely large cross dangling over your low cut blouse and scientifically enhanced boobs.

...you add a large cement lawn ornament of the Virgin Mary to your front yard. As if the insanely clear personification of humble purification put forth by Mary somehow doesn't count when there is an empty spot in your yard screaming to be filled by a six foot statue of modesty.

...you can justify the government killing people, just as long as unwed mothers don't do it. I'm not sure how, "Thou Shall Not Kill" can be turned into "Well, we have to have wars and the death penalty - you know, for God".

...you drive your $80,000 car from your $250,000 home to a $2,000,000 church to learn how you can be more generous to your fellow man.

...you judge people in the name of someone who defended a prostitute from an angry mob that was trying to kill her for religious reasons. If we take Jesus' word of "he that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone" and your actions together, we come to the conclusion that you are perfect - or at least think you are.

...you are holding up a John 3:16 sign at a sports stadium. That passage is the Cliff Notes version of the Bible. So you're marketing to the same crowd who is advertised to using talking dogs and half-naked women. I know that you think that if you could only reach these people you could convert them, but you just come off as an attention seeking idiot and might as well have your face painted.

...you allow gambling (bingo, etc...) in your church on Fridays. If it is a sin on Sunday, it's a sin on Friday. As if church is a giant-economy package. Like to drink, gamble, dance, and wench? Do it with a free conscience, under holy auspices, and where God can approve it!

...you spread hate and intolerance through sanctimonious choices in some Bible verses, while completely ignoring other verses that either contradict or are aimed at a group of people that you either a) personally like or b) are too powerful to pick on. Like the message of Christian love comes with exclusions of bigotry, sexism, and racism.

...you think that the 1/3 of the world's population, or 75% of the US population, is in any way persecuted for their beliefs. The only way that the majority of anything can be systematic mistreated, is if they do it to themselves.

I'm not saying that you don't have some spiritual beliefs; I'm just saying that your Christian credentials look like they're full of shit.

1 comment:

Amy said...

I have "dugg" this article as I believe it is extremely important. Something that everyone MUST read, especially the X-ians who spread ignorance.

Thank you.

Amy