My blog contains a large number of posts. A few are included in various other publications, or as attached stories and chronicles in my emails; many more are found on loose leaves, while some are written carelessly in margins and blank spaces of my notebooks. Of the last sort most are nonsense, now often unintelligible even when legible, or half-remembered fragments. Enjoy responsibly.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

On this National Day of Reason

On this National Day of Reason I offer forth the story of Mosey the Pirate form The Gospel according to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

While brooding atop Mount Salsa having lost his pirate ship, Captain Mosey received advice from the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the form of ten stone tablets. The Flying Spaghetti Monster proclaimed these were to be forever called the "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts", or the "Commandments" by Mosey, with his pirate gang referring to them as "Condiments". Why transporting the new sacred tablet back down the mountain, Mosey dropped two. This accident "partly accounts for Pastafarians' flimsy moral standards". The FSM's commandments address the treatment of people of other faiths, worship of the FSM, sexual conduct, and nutrition. They are as follows:
The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this in your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go fuck yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bitch.
6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
A. Ending poverty
B. Curing diseases
C. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?
8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

So let us all now bask in His noodly goodness and spend this National Day of Reason contemplating those less fortunate than us, how we may help them, and what we can do to improve ourselves. Because lets face it, we all need some work.

Now if you'll join me (no need to stand, we're not that formal) in the The Flying Spaghetti Monster Prayer:
Our saucer, which art in a colander,
Draining be Your noodles.
Thy noodle come,
Thy meatballness be done on earth,
As it is meaty in heaven.
Give us this day our daily sauce,
And forgive us our lack of piracy,
As we pirate and smuggle against those who lack piracy with us.
And lead us not into vegetarianism,
But deliver us from non-red meat sauce.
For thine is the colander, the noodle, and the sauce,
Forever and ever.

Go in Reason and Thought

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