My blog contains a large number of posts. A few are included in various other publications, or as attached stories and chronicles in my emails; many more are found on loose leaves, while some are written carelessly in margins and blank spaces of my notebooks. Of the last sort most are nonsense, now often unintelligible even when legible, or half-remembered fragments. Enjoy responsibly.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Your Christmas Survival List

My wife and I went to the mall today and as we shopped for Christmas presents I wrote down a couple of things to remember. I hope that this short list can in some way help you through the season:

  • Christmas is inherently the gaudiest time of the year. Don’t try to fight it, you will loose.
  • You are going to end up buying at least one box of girl scout cookies, so buy one for the girl who had the guts to walk up to your door and not just from the ones who catch you walking into the grocery store.
  • Whatever items you originally laugh at today as bad gift ideas will progressively look better the closer Christmas gets.
  • There are only two options when buying jeans: comfortable, or the ones that make your butt look good.
  • Of course the retail person who helped you at the mall was stoned. They have to be stoned to deal with a Christmas shopping you.
  • Your husband wants nothing from Bath & Body Works. Nothing.
  • Nothing says that you’ve hit middle age faster then a Christmas sweater you’ve made yourself.
  • Whether you want to admit it or not, you too looked that ridiculous when you were a kid. So stop mentally berating those ridiculous looking kids at the mall. It’s called generational revenge and is inevitable.
  • There is a higher probability that Paris Hilton will win a Nobel Prize then there is that you will not gain weight over the holiday.
  • Christmas is suppose to give you a headache, stress you out, make you want to skip it next year, argue with your friends and family, and make you wish you could rip the stereo out of the car. Its part of the mystic, just go with it or it will consume you.

No comments: