A Fish of the World
A herring once decided to swim right around the world. 'I'm tired of the North Sea,' he said. 'I want to find out what else there is in the world.'
So he swam off south into the deep Atlantic. He swam and swam far, far away from the seas he knew, through the warm waters of the equator and on down into the South Atlantic. And all the time he saw many strange and wonderful fish that he had never seen before. Once he was nearly eaten by a shark. And once he was nearly electrocuted by an electric eel. And once he was nearly stung by a stingray. But he swam on and on. Round the tip of Africa and into the Indian Ocean, and he passed by devilfish and sailfish and sawfish and swordfish and bluefish and blackfish and mudfish and sunfish, and he was amazed by the different shapes and sizes and colors.
On he swam into the Java Sea, and he saw fish that leapt out of the water and fish that lived on the bottom of the sea and fish that could walk on their fins. And on he swam through the Coral Sea where the shells of millions and millions of tiny creatures had turned to rock and stood as big as mountains. But still he swam on into the wide Pacific. He swam over the deepest parts of the ocean where the water is so deep that it is inky black at the bottom and the fish carried lanterns over their heads and some have lights on their tails. And through the Pacific he swam and then he turned north and headed up to the cold Siberian Sea where huge white icebergs sailed past him like mighty ships, and still he swam on and on and into the frozen Arctic Ocean where the sea is forever covered in ice. And on he went past Greenland and Iceland and finally he swam home into his own North Sea.
All his friends and relations gathered around and made a great fuss of him. They had a big feast and offered him the very best food they could find, but the herring just yawned and said, 'I've swum around the entire world. I've seen everything there is to see and I have eaten more exotic and wonderful dishes than you could possibly imagine.' And he refused to eat anything.
Then his friends and relations begged him to come home and live with them. But he refused.'I've been everywhere there is and that old rock is too dull and small for me.' And he went off and lived on his own.
And when the breeding season came, he refused to join in the spawning, saying, 'I've swum around the entire world. And now I know how many fish there are in the world. I can't be interested in herrings anymore.'
Eventually, one of the oldest of the herrings swam up to him and said, 'Listen, if you don’t spawn with us, some herrings eggs will go unfertilized and will not turn into healthy young herrings. If you don't live with your family, you'll make them sad. And if you don't eat, you'll die.'
But the herring said, 'I don't mind. I've been everywhere there is to go, I've seen everything there is to see, and now I know everything there is to know.'
The old fish shook his head. 'No one has ever seen everything there is to see,' he said. 'Nor known everything there is to know.'
'Look,' said the herring, 'I've swum through the North Sea, the Atlantic Ocean, the Indian Ocean, the Java Sea, the Coral Sea, the Great Pacific Ocean, the Siberian Sea, and the frozen Arctic. Tell me, what else is there for me to see or know?'
'I don't know,' said the old herring. 'But there may be something.'
Well just then, a fishing boat came by, and all the herrings were caught in a net and taken to market that very day.
And a man bought the herring and ate it for his supper, and he never knew that it had swum right around the world and had seen everything there was to see, and knew everything there was to know.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday, June 04, 2010
Quick One Pan Lemon Caper Scallops
Quick One Pan Lemon Caper Scallops
1½ pounds dry, sea scallops
2 teaspoons vegetable oil
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 medium shallot minced
1 cup sauvignon blanc
1 teaspoon lemon zest
2 tablespoons fresh parsley minced
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon of capers, drained but not rinsed
Salt and pepper to taste
In a heavy 12 inches skillet, heat the oil and butter. When the butter starts to bubble, add the shallot and cook until soft and then add the garlic. Cook until garlic is fragrant, about 30 seconds, and add the wine, parsley, lemon zest and capers. Reduce by ½, about 10 minutes, and then stir in the lemon juice. Add the scallops and cook uncovered, turning scallops gently to cook evenly, until desired level of tenderness is achieved – 2 to 5 minutes. Serve immediately over rice or thin pasta.
Notes:
• Recipe can be easily doubled if you have a deep 14 inch pan
• Scallops come either wet or dry. Wet scallops contain preservatives, extra water and taste like balls of rubber. Dry scallops, especially sea scallops have more flavor. Only buy dry scallops.
• Don't rinse your scallops, but make sure that they have been thawed and drained
• You should be able to get both enough zest and the juice from one good sized lemon
• Finely chopped parsley cooked in with the rice adds a nice touch
• A good hearty bread is almost essential when serving this over a thin pasta like angel hair
1½ pounds dry, sea scallops
2 teaspoons vegetable oil
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 medium shallot minced
1 cup sauvignon blanc
1 teaspoon lemon zest
2 tablespoons fresh parsley minced
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon of capers, drained but not rinsed
Salt and pepper to taste
In a heavy 12 inches skillet, heat the oil and butter. When the butter starts to bubble, add the shallot and cook until soft and then add the garlic. Cook until garlic is fragrant, about 30 seconds, and add the wine, parsley, lemon zest and capers. Reduce by ½, about 10 minutes, and then stir in the lemon juice. Add the scallops and cook uncovered, turning scallops gently to cook evenly, until desired level of tenderness is achieved – 2 to 5 minutes. Serve immediately over rice or thin pasta.
Notes:
• Recipe can be easily doubled if you have a deep 14 inch pan
• Scallops come either wet or dry. Wet scallops contain preservatives, extra water and taste like balls of rubber. Dry scallops, especially sea scallops have more flavor. Only buy dry scallops.
• Don't rinse your scallops, but make sure that they have been thawed and drained
• You should be able to get both enough zest and the juice from one good sized lemon
• Finely chopped parsley cooked in with the rice adds a nice touch
• A good hearty bread is almost essential when serving this over a thin pasta like angel hair
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Brian’s Perfect Pancakes
1½ cups of a good, unbleached AP four (like King Authors)
1 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons of sugar
1¾ teaspoons of double-acting baking powder
1 large egg, room temperature
3 tablespoons of melted butter, cooled
¼ cup of buttermilk, room temperature
1 cup 2% milk, room temperature
Sift flour into a large glass bowl. Add salt, sugar and double-acting baking powder, whisk to combine and resift.
In a second bowl combine egg, butter, buttermilk and milk.
Pour the liquid mixture into the dry mixture. Quickly and gently combine using the largest spatula that you have. Smell your new mixture. Leave it uncovered at room temperature until the doughy pancake smell has doubled from its original smell, usually about five minutes.
Bring a skillet or large heavy pan, I prefer cast-iron, to a medium-high heat and melt enough butter for a generous coating. Turn oven to lowest temperature and place a cookie sheet with rack on the middle rack of the oven. Using a 1/3 measuring cup, scoop and pour the batter onto the hot pan. Flip, rotate and shuffle until the first batch has developed a light, even crust on all sides and then transfer to the rack in the oven. Because your pan is hot, the insides may not be fully cooked, this is okay as they will be finished in the oven for an evenly cooked pancake.
After finishing cooking each round of pancakes, add more butter and let it come to temperature before adding more batter. Spread the pancakes out evenly on the rack, making sure not to stack them if possible. Once you have cooked all of your pancakes, remove rack from the oven and leave let the pancakes rest for two minutes before transferring to plates. Add your favorite toppings, syrups or sugars and eat immediately.
Notes:
• The sifting is important. Do not skip this step.
• Make sure that all liquid ingredients are at room temperature. This will make sure that are properly combined and the end mixture will develop evenly.
• If possible, slightly warm your plates in the oven. This will stop them from cooling the pancakes off the second that they are plated.
• Pour your syrup into a vessel with a large open top and heat in the microwave, occasionally stirring to make sure that it is evenly warmed.
• I prefer Grade B Maple Syrup. Grade B is a late season, medium amber syrup that has not been refined as much as the common Grade A syrup. It has a mapleier flavor without being as overwhelming as the dark amber varieties.
• For whole grain pancakes, substitute 1 cup of finely milled whole wheat flour and still use ½ cup of AP white. Increase to 1 cup of buttermilk and 1 cup of milk. Let sit for at least 7 minutes before cooking.
• Recipe can safely be doubled
1 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons of sugar
1¾ teaspoons of double-acting baking powder
1 large egg, room temperature
3 tablespoons of melted butter, cooled
¼ cup of buttermilk, room temperature
1 cup 2% milk, room temperature
Sift flour into a large glass bowl. Add salt, sugar and double-acting baking powder, whisk to combine and resift.
In a second bowl combine egg, butter, buttermilk and milk.
Pour the liquid mixture into the dry mixture. Quickly and gently combine using the largest spatula that you have. Smell your new mixture. Leave it uncovered at room temperature until the doughy pancake smell has doubled from its original smell, usually about five minutes.
Bring a skillet or large heavy pan, I prefer cast-iron, to a medium-high heat and melt enough butter for a generous coating. Turn oven to lowest temperature and place a cookie sheet with rack on the middle rack of the oven. Using a 1/3 measuring cup, scoop and pour the batter onto the hot pan. Flip, rotate and shuffle until the first batch has developed a light, even crust on all sides and then transfer to the rack in the oven. Because your pan is hot, the insides may not be fully cooked, this is okay as they will be finished in the oven for an evenly cooked pancake.
After finishing cooking each round of pancakes, add more butter and let it come to temperature before adding more batter. Spread the pancakes out evenly on the rack, making sure not to stack them if possible. Once you have cooked all of your pancakes, remove rack from the oven and leave let the pancakes rest for two minutes before transferring to plates. Add your favorite toppings, syrups or sugars and eat immediately.
Notes:
• The sifting is important. Do not skip this step.
• Make sure that all liquid ingredients are at room temperature. This will make sure that are properly combined and the end mixture will develop evenly.
• If possible, slightly warm your plates in the oven. This will stop them from cooling the pancakes off the second that they are plated.
• Pour your syrup into a vessel with a large open top and heat in the microwave, occasionally stirring to make sure that it is evenly warmed.
• I prefer Grade B Maple Syrup. Grade B is a late season, medium amber syrup that has not been refined as much as the common Grade A syrup. It has a mapleier flavor without being as overwhelming as the dark amber varieties.
• For whole grain pancakes, substitute 1 cup of finely milled whole wheat flour and still use ½ cup of AP white. Increase to 1 cup of buttermilk and 1 cup of milk. Let sit for at least 7 minutes before cooking.
• Recipe can safely be doubled
Thursday, May 13, 2010
What’s the Matter with Arizona?
On Tuesday the Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a bill that directly targets minority studies meant to show the ethnic differences in history. This is on the coattails of the new Arizona immigration law in that encourages the police to target people on the basis of ethnic origin. The TV heads immediately sprang into action by either asking why Arizona has become so insatiably jingoistic or wholeheartedly supporting any and all measures – but that is what they do on every topic.
The real story is that we never learn from history. Every time that a minority immigrates to the country en masse during a time of economic hardship, the native population sees them as the reason for their difficulty. In reality, the new group is the solution to the problem. The massive Irish immigration to New England resulted in Hibernophobia, or hatred of the Irish. They were labeled as lawless addicts who took all of the low paying jobs away from good Christians. They were demonized to the point where businesses openly displayed signs that said “No Irish Need Apply.” But in the end, the Irish workforce created more jobs and a higher quality of life by added a fresh jolt a working class of people into a much needed economically stagnant society. Our open system is built on a constant influx of foreign laborers to bolster the previous proletariat.
What we are now seeing in Arizona is the same unfounded fear of a new group. The Arizonian people incorrectly assume that if they were to rid the Latinos from their area, they would somehow rebound economically; but this thought process is not complete. There is no reason for an economy to rebound by simply throwing out the cheapest workers because there is no great supply of jobs that the native population could then take. The jobs that the Latinos are doing will never pay enough for the home-grown population to continue their current quality of life. Moreover, the resources being taken by that new group are barely more than an offset of any poor population. Ridding Arizona of “illegals,” a very thinly veiled code word for Latinos, would only move out one poor minority for another.
The reason for this ethnic blame game is nothing more than laziness. The majority does not wish to be forced to work as hard as someone with everything to gain. They believe that their lineage paid for their position within our class system and they are happy to spend just as much energy fighting against proving their place in society as they would if they had to directly compete for the jobs in question. But this is how our system works – think of it as an initiation. Put up with our xenophobic nationalism masquerading and poorly placed patriotism and we’ll let you stay. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and we’ll beat them up for about a decade and let them fin. So next time you see a talking head, say Irish descendant Bill O'Reilly, ranting about the scourge of the newest immigrants to land on our shores, try to remember that in 40 years it could just as easily be a Bill Ortega ranting about the invading immigrants from South Africa. The story is always the same, only the last names change.
The real story is that we never learn from history. Every time that a minority immigrates to the country en masse during a time of economic hardship, the native population sees them as the reason for their difficulty. In reality, the new group is the solution to the problem. The massive Irish immigration to New England resulted in Hibernophobia, or hatred of the Irish. They were labeled as lawless addicts who took all of the low paying jobs away from good Christians. They were demonized to the point where businesses openly displayed signs that said “No Irish Need Apply.” But in the end, the Irish workforce created more jobs and a higher quality of life by added a fresh jolt a working class of people into a much needed economically stagnant society. Our open system is built on a constant influx of foreign laborers to bolster the previous proletariat.
What we are now seeing in Arizona is the same unfounded fear of a new group. The Arizonian people incorrectly assume that if they were to rid the Latinos from their area, they would somehow rebound economically; but this thought process is not complete. There is no reason for an economy to rebound by simply throwing out the cheapest workers because there is no great supply of jobs that the native population could then take. The jobs that the Latinos are doing will never pay enough for the home-grown population to continue their current quality of life. Moreover, the resources being taken by that new group are barely more than an offset of any poor population. Ridding Arizona of “illegals,” a very thinly veiled code word for Latinos, would only move out one poor minority for another.
The reason for this ethnic blame game is nothing more than laziness. The majority does not wish to be forced to work as hard as someone with everything to gain. They believe that their lineage paid for their position within our class system and they are happy to spend just as much energy fighting against proving their place in society as they would if they had to directly compete for the jobs in question. But this is how our system works – think of it as an initiation. Put up with our xenophobic nationalism masquerading and poorly placed patriotism and we’ll let you stay. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and we’ll beat them up for about a decade and let them fin. So next time you see a talking head, say Irish descendant Bill O'Reilly, ranting about the scourge of the newest immigrants to land on our shores, try to remember that in 40 years it could just as easily be a Bill Ortega ranting about the invading immigrants from South Africa. The story is always the same, only the last names change.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Vote Your Wallet
I’m about to tell you a secret: You will never be rich. Sure, you may one day be comfortable and have a good bit of savings, but you will still only be fairly well-off. The odds of you becoming rich are about the same as you winning the lottery. Even then, you have no idea how to preserve that wealth or how to pass it on to your future generations.
Now I’m going to tell you another secret: Those people who are rich spend a lot of money to try to convince you that you could be one of them someday. This lie, and it is a lie, is meant to give you just enough hope so that you don’t punish what you think you may one day become or foolishly think you already belong. We teach our poor and middle classes that we are a country of equals – this too is not true. There is a class far above you, in every way, who operate in a complete welfare state, taken care of from votes they can easily afford and who’s only job consists of making sure that things never change. They can convince you that they are moral, specifically religious and right, but only because they write the checks to those who matter. It is not a conspiracy; everyone knows it to be true and we only argue about the extent in which directly affects our individual lives.
Last secret: You are the reason that you will never be rich. By supporting the people who keep you in your economic place, you empower them to maintain the status quo. There is a very clear division of classes in this country and, while that will probably never change, there has always been a historic balance between their power and our skepticism. People, sad and undereducated people, vote against their own causes, mostly out of misunderstanding, fear or ignorance, and their numbers are growing. Predictably, their numbers increase in line with the relative comfort and quality of life in the US. And predictably, they do not see that their lack of understanding only widens the class gap and lessens their power. Moreover, their quest to conserve their small level of comfort shrinks the space in which every future generation can find that comfort.
In time, the benefits of being any part of middle class will lessen. Sure the toys and essentials will be there, just in smaller and more expensive amounts. It is easy to see it slowly happening in every sector from health care to education. People see the creep and point blame in every direction but the one that matters. They continue to vote against their own path, continue to support policies that can only harm them and continually shrink their own socioeconomic class in hopes that they will someday become rich. They know that they will soon not be able to afford good health care. They know that they are living with all sorts of ecological problems that they not only know are bad, but are getting worse. And most importantly, they are giving away power that they will never get back.
Now I’m going to ask you for a favor: Know your place. Accept your economic shortcomings and stop voting like you belong to something you never will. These are not moral or faith based decisions, they are simply and only monetary choices. You are not rich, you will never be rich, so stop voting like you are.
Now I’m going to tell you another secret: Those people who are rich spend a lot of money to try to convince you that you could be one of them someday. This lie, and it is a lie, is meant to give you just enough hope so that you don’t punish what you think you may one day become or foolishly think you already belong. We teach our poor and middle classes that we are a country of equals – this too is not true. There is a class far above you, in every way, who operate in a complete welfare state, taken care of from votes they can easily afford and who’s only job consists of making sure that things never change. They can convince you that they are moral, specifically religious and right, but only because they write the checks to those who matter. It is not a conspiracy; everyone knows it to be true and we only argue about the extent in which directly affects our individual lives.
Last secret: You are the reason that you will never be rich. By supporting the people who keep you in your economic place, you empower them to maintain the status quo. There is a very clear division of classes in this country and, while that will probably never change, there has always been a historic balance between their power and our skepticism. People, sad and undereducated people, vote against their own causes, mostly out of misunderstanding, fear or ignorance, and their numbers are growing. Predictably, their numbers increase in line with the relative comfort and quality of life in the US. And predictably, they do not see that their lack of understanding only widens the class gap and lessens their power. Moreover, their quest to conserve their small level of comfort shrinks the space in which every future generation can find that comfort.
In time, the benefits of being any part of middle class will lessen. Sure the toys and essentials will be there, just in smaller and more expensive amounts. It is easy to see it slowly happening in every sector from health care to education. People see the creep and point blame in every direction but the one that matters. They continue to vote against their own path, continue to support policies that can only harm them and continually shrink their own socioeconomic class in hopes that they will someday become rich. They know that they will soon not be able to afford good health care. They know that they are living with all sorts of ecological problems that they not only know are bad, but are getting worse. And most importantly, they are giving away power that they will never get back.
Now I’m going to ask you for a favor: Know your place. Accept your economic shortcomings and stop voting like you belong to something you never will. These are not moral or faith based decisions, they are simply and only monetary choices. You are not rich, you will never be rich, so stop voting like you are.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Come on People, Give 90%!
It was announced this week that the US economy lost 85,000 in December, a number much higher than analysts’ had expected. This is on top of our current 10% unemployment, a number that is a lot lower than the also reported 17.3% of underemployed who are comprised of discouraged workers and part-time workers who would prefer full-time jobs.
So this got me thinking, we’re always going to have those who are underemployed, but we as a nation can easily help the unemployed individuals. So with understanding that we will never hit 100% exactly, and not counting those who would like a better job or one with more hours, the rest of the solution is nothing more than a simple numbers game. All we have to do is stop trying so hard at our current jobs.
Now stay with me here, if we all decided to care a little less, do a little less work, try less hard, we would create a backlog of work that needed to be done. Then, those unemployed could be hired to pick up the slack. The 10% of work that we have left on the table would have to be picked up and done by someone else: Someone who recently had not had a job. And we would all have a little more time to do the other things that we would like to do. Our general quality of life would improve, our new positive economic outlook would encourage other countries to invest in us and we would transform into the country that all of those TV pundits believe once existed.
All of this can be achieved if we simply just don’t do as much. So here and now I’m making a declaration, I, Brian Hamilton, will do at least 10% less in life. I do this not out of laziness or for any personal gain, but for my country. I will care less, do less and give less of myself – everyday and from now on – because I love my country that much. What I ask of you is simple; give less of yourself as well. Join me in helping our country; because giving 10% less of yourself is not lazy, it’s patriotic. Today I call on all Americans to unite with me, kick back, have a beer and do your American duty by doing less. Together, we can slack off for a better future.
So this got me thinking, we’re always going to have those who are underemployed, but we as a nation can easily help the unemployed individuals. So with understanding that we will never hit 100% exactly, and not counting those who would like a better job or one with more hours, the rest of the solution is nothing more than a simple numbers game. All we have to do is stop trying so hard at our current jobs.
Now stay with me here, if we all decided to care a little less, do a little less work, try less hard, we would create a backlog of work that needed to be done. Then, those unemployed could be hired to pick up the slack. The 10% of work that we have left on the table would have to be picked up and done by someone else: Someone who recently had not had a job. And we would all have a little more time to do the other things that we would like to do. Our general quality of life would improve, our new positive economic outlook would encourage other countries to invest in us and we would transform into the country that all of those TV pundits believe once existed.
All of this can be achieved if we simply just don’t do as much. So here and now I’m making a declaration, I, Brian Hamilton, will do at least 10% less in life. I do this not out of laziness or for any personal gain, but for my country. I will care less, do less and give less of myself – everyday and from now on – because I love my country that much. What I ask of you is simple; give less of yourself as well. Join me in helping our country; because giving 10% less of yourself is not lazy, it’s patriotic. Today I call on all Americans to unite with me, kick back, have a beer and do your American duty by doing less. Together, we can slack off for a better future.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I Loath and Love Wal-Mart
I Loath and Love Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart is a place where I love to go and watch people. Nowhere else, outside of a damaged food auction or a trailer park swap meet, can you see such undesirable people. I’m not talking about your standard down-on-their-luck individual or unfortunate physically-impaired person, but your complete don’t-care-what-they-look-like or how-poorly-they-represent-the-species kind of human being. And I’m using “human being” loosely here, because there are some creatures in Wal-Mart who clearly prove Darwin wrong: Organisms so faulty that to have had them exist within our reproductive population simply mocks our genetic future. Add to that your average Wal-Mart employee, usually the illegitimate offspring of mentally handicapped siblings or of such a broken spirit that they wouldn’t even pull the fire alarm if the food court started serving Molotov cocktails, and you have a perfect storm of horrible shopping pleasure.
The loath part of my relationship with Wal-Mart is much more complicated. Wal-Mart, being the powerhouse of retail organizations that they are, slowly destroys all of their competition – much like kamikaze termites eating the last tree in the forest – thus occasionally leaving them the only place in town for certain immediately-needed items. So while I love to visit the freak show that is the Made in China headquarters for the jingoistic, I loath having to actually buy anything from there.
Thus it was that I found myself standing in the Toy Department the day before Christmas looking for a last minute gift for someone that both Kela and I swore the other had bought a gift for well over a month ago. It took three customer service representatives and a call to a different store before I was finally able to get a definitive “doncurrydemnomore” from someone wearing the nametag of (and this is the honest truth) Slappy. Slappy went on to explain that Wal-Mart stopped carrying the item November 30th due to lack of demand (nooneboughtdemnomore).
Horrific national and localized economic damage aside, Wal-Mart does usually provide me with some positive benefits. I know where to go to feel better about myself, I know where to go to find people who will vote against their own self-interest just to feel like they belong to something that they never will, and I know where to go to should I ever find myself in need of a singing large-mouth bass the days before Christmas. At least, I did until November 30th.
Wal-Mart is a place where I love to go and watch people. Nowhere else, outside of a damaged food auction or a trailer park swap meet, can you see such undesirable people. I’m not talking about your standard down-on-their-luck individual or unfortunate physically-impaired person, but your complete don’t-care-what-they-look-like or how-poorly-they-represent-the-species kind of human being. And I’m using “human being” loosely here, because there are some creatures in Wal-Mart who clearly prove Darwin wrong: Organisms so faulty that to have had them exist within our reproductive population simply mocks our genetic future. Add to that your average Wal-Mart employee, usually the illegitimate offspring of mentally handicapped siblings or of such a broken spirit that they wouldn’t even pull the fire alarm if the food court started serving Molotov cocktails, and you have a perfect storm of horrible shopping pleasure.
The loath part of my relationship with Wal-Mart is much more complicated. Wal-Mart, being the powerhouse of retail organizations that they are, slowly destroys all of their competition – much like kamikaze termites eating the last tree in the forest – thus occasionally leaving them the only place in town for certain immediately-needed items. So while I love to visit the freak show that is the Made in China headquarters for the jingoistic, I loath having to actually buy anything from there.
Thus it was that I found myself standing in the Toy Department the day before Christmas looking for a last minute gift for someone that both Kela and I swore the other had bought a gift for well over a month ago. It took three customer service representatives and a call to a different store before I was finally able to get a definitive “doncurrydemnomore” from someone wearing the nametag of (and this is the honest truth) Slappy. Slappy went on to explain that Wal-Mart stopped carrying the item November 30th due to lack of demand (nooneboughtdemnomore).
Horrific national and localized economic damage aside, Wal-Mart does usually provide me with some positive benefits. I know where to go to feel better about myself, I know where to go to find people who will vote against their own self-interest just to feel like they belong to something that they never will, and I know where to go to should I ever find myself in need of a singing large-mouth bass the days before Christmas. At least, I did until November 30th.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Entry for December 29, 2009
The reason that your child plays with the box is because the toy came with its own story. Next time, just give them the box and let them create their own adventure.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Entry for December 9, 2009
Being a father I'm finding it increasingly hard to contrast the sudden feeling of pain creeping up upon me: a chilling fear, but also a realization, that certain moments must pass. One second of absolute and perfect happiness - one of the ten to twelve that comprises a whole life - with the fact that in one of these happy moments life could easily be comprehensible, but is ultimately fleeting. It is in that flawless moment of time where I am not sure to rejoice or mourn. Maybe it is both.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Nonconformist Reformist
This is a blog post that doesn't follow the rules. Unlike those other blogs, it’s edgy and raw. It's kicking your ass and not what you've come to expect from those other guys. What other blog posts are afraid to say, this one will scream. It will be all up in your grill and hitting on your girlfriend. You had better prepare to be rocked because this blog post will not conform to normal. So get ready to experience the extreme awesomeness that is an insane-crazy mixture of the written word and cheap marketing buzzwords, yo!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Faith for Sale
I come from a part of the country where people have what is known as personal faith. They believe that their own values and morals are stronger if forced out into the public marketplace of ideas. Strength in character is understood to come from an internal struggle and materializes as personality principles grounded in that person’s private beliefs.
When I moved to the South years ago I was very taken back by the openness and advertising of structures of morality. People’s faith seems to be not only open, but advertised freely in hopes to either encourage others or reaffirm one’s own beliefs. To me, this is horrifying and cheapens the individual moral reasoning essential for creating an honorably-balanced person. It is only under private contemplation that character is formed and personal morals, values and judgments about things still not understood by the world at large are weighed and measured. Substituting this process for a desire to belong to a clique or by blindly following a dogma ensconced in its own problems is not going to end well for either the individual or the any culture.
What I find most appalling is the shameful way that some people here advertise their religion for financial gain. Not only is it prevalent in all classes in the deep south, it is done so unabashedly and without further contemplation. Now, I am probably the last person who should get on a soapbox about this, but I don’t see anyone else doing it – so here goes:
When you put an ichthys on your billboards, business cards or business you are essentially trying to substitute your religious group for personal responsibility. Sure, you think that it lends some sort of creditability to your business, but in reality it is explicit promotion your religious affiliation for money. Or in other words, you are selling your personal beliefs for cash.
But this type of thing reaches much further than “Hire me I’m a Christian” stickers. It actively works to create pockets of people who deal only with like-minded people. This type of action fosters isolation, animosity and xenophobia. It is not only bad for our society, it’s possibly the most un-Christian thing that you can do.
When I moved to the South years ago I was very taken back by the openness and advertising of structures of morality. People’s faith seems to be not only open, but advertised freely in hopes to either encourage others or reaffirm one’s own beliefs. To me, this is horrifying and cheapens the individual moral reasoning essential for creating an honorably-balanced person. It is only under private contemplation that character is formed and personal morals, values and judgments about things still not understood by the world at large are weighed and measured. Substituting this process for a desire to belong to a clique or by blindly following a dogma ensconced in its own problems is not going to end well for either the individual or the any culture.
What I find most appalling is the shameful way that some people here advertise their religion for financial gain. Not only is it prevalent in all classes in the deep south, it is done so unabashedly and without further contemplation. Now, I am probably the last person who should get on a soapbox about this, but I don’t see anyone else doing it – so here goes:
When you put an ichthys on your billboards, business cards or business you are essentially trying to substitute your religious group for personal responsibility. Sure, you think that it lends some sort of creditability to your business, but in reality it is explicit promotion your religious affiliation for money. Or in other words, you are selling your personal beliefs for cash.
But this type of thing reaches much further than “Hire me I’m a Christian” stickers. It actively works to create pockets of people who deal only with like-minded people. This type of action fosters isolation, animosity and xenophobia. It is not only bad for our society, it’s possibly the most un-Christian thing that you can do.
Entry for November 21, 2009
So the same party that constantly calls for privatization, and that the government can't do anything right or that the private sector does everything better, is now saying that government health care option would put the private companies out of business.
Other thing that they will soon calling for:
More taxes to combat wealth distribution
Reinterpretation of the Constitution to stop people from changing it
Increase the amount of abortion doctors to talk patients out of abortions
Today's vote will be interesting.
Other thing that they will soon calling for:
More taxes to combat wealth distribution
Reinterpretation of the Constitution to stop people from changing it
Increase the amount of abortion doctors to talk patients out of abortions
Today's vote will be interesting.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Just the Facts, Ma'am
I would like to thank everyone out there, no matter if they remember having met me at some point or another, for getting right to the point. There seems to be an overabundance of respectful individuals to just say what it is that they want or need and then move on without a longwinded explanation as to why it is that they want or need a specific thing and how it is currently affecting their life. They just state it, much like a mathematic equation with a finite beginning and end, and move on. Just like the other day when I was standing at the checkout line a Publix and the nice woman in front of me decided to regale me with the full story about how she decided that the Bush beans were superior then the store brand, complete with side anecdote of her sick sisters moving and how it will alter her impending operation, after I had asked her if she had dropped her keys. So please let me extend this warm thank you to everyone out there, whether they are currently at work, like my sister who works at a humane society office and is worried that the Christmas season will bring with it another influx of poorly gifted animals, or my father who is currently retired and living at the beach (and if you haven’t been to the beach in NC, especially around the most southern part of the state, but still north of the tackiness of Myrtle Beach, I highly suggest it. But not at this time of year, the best time to visit in around June or August. Make sure that you visit local restaurants and stores, as that part of the country relies heavily on tourism), thank you for not wasting my time.
Friday, November 06, 2009
Entry for November 6, 2009
So I was thinking, suppose you owned an account firm, needed a lawyer, or was just looking to fill an empty position that made over 50K a year. Which of these two people would you hire?
Now what does that say about the products that they represent?
Now what does that say about the products that they represent?
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Entry for November 4, 2009
Skepticism is a good thing, but you should never let it convince you of a more easily understood answer.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Your Shirt Says it All
I’m a pretty good judge of character, but sometimes I could use a little help. That is why I would like to take a minute and thank certain folks for helping me understand who they are. For instance, a week or so ago at the Pumpkintown Festival, in front of the Boy Scouts fried donut tent, I spotted a gentleman who clearly left me wondering about his masculinity. He was just standing there, all 5’4” of him, in cowboy boots and tight jeans, and I couldn’t help thinking, “I wonder if this guy is a badass.” Then, as if a gift sent from Zeus himself, the gentleman turned around to reveal that he was truly a badass. At least, that is what his shirt said. So understanding the laws of exclusivity that is the t-shirt business, I had absolute confirmation that this person was indeed a tough, independent outlaw, who was so confident in his own manliness that he was allowed to buy a t-shirt just to convey how wickedly badass he is to the world. And for that I thank him.
This last week someone gave me the perfect idea for a Christmas gift for a hard-to shop-for family member. Realizing that I would never remember it come Christmas time, I headed to the mall. After purchasing the item I headed to the food court to celebrate with smoothie – because nothing says victory like a Grape Expectations with added whey powder. Along the way I was lucky enough to encounter a group of independent, nonconformists who prefer to be called “Goths.” You can tell they are nonconformists because they all have a very strict dress code that they adhere to, shop only in very select places, and all act almost identical. This rigid dogma that they follow out of both fear of peer condemnation and a desperate desire to fit in to their small click really shows the determination that these freethinkers have to remain individuals. But again I started thinking and wondered if this group of matching rebels was truly as free as they portrayed. Then, as if a gift sent from Ra, they all headed into Hot Topic. This sealed the deal because, as everyone knows, Hot Topic is a corporate company wholly unlike their neighbors of Abercrombie & Fitch. It may be the only place in the mall that someone who is an individual can buy a mass-produced piece of clothing from a corporate entity, created by a marketing team dedicated to making sure they their customers all look, act and support the exact same things, in order to reconfirm that they are all uniformed as 100% nonconformists. And for that I thank them.
Finally yesterday I had my last encounter with someone whose shirt helped me understand who they are. Flanked by her perfume encrusted mother, was a girl who was about 12 years old. My immediate thought was, “I wonder how this prepubescent, emotionally undeveloped child is in bed.” Sure, sex with an adolescent child is illegal, immoral and horrifying, but I bet that it’s also sexy and awesome. Which is why I was glad to see that she was sporting a shirt that said, “Sexy, awesome hotness and I’m available.” I mean, if that doesn’t just answer the questions about the availability of a sexy, awesome 12 year old, nothing will. As she passed I had yet another thought, “sure the front of that juvenile maybe sexy and ready for hot loving, but what about her backside. Would it be as welcoming and ready as her front?” Then, as if a gift sent from Rama, my next question was answered. As both mother and daughter walked away, I saw the words “juicy” on their asses. And for that I thank them because I now know everything that I need to know about them.
This last week someone gave me the perfect idea for a Christmas gift for a hard-to shop-for family member. Realizing that I would never remember it come Christmas time, I headed to the mall. After purchasing the item I headed to the food court to celebrate with smoothie – because nothing says victory like a Grape Expectations with added whey powder. Along the way I was lucky enough to encounter a group of independent, nonconformists who prefer to be called “Goths.” You can tell they are nonconformists because they all have a very strict dress code that they adhere to, shop only in very select places, and all act almost identical. This rigid dogma that they follow out of both fear of peer condemnation and a desperate desire to fit in to their small click really shows the determination that these freethinkers have to remain individuals. But again I started thinking and wondered if this group of matching rebels was truly as free as they portrayed. Then, as if a gift sent from Ra, they all headed into Hot Topic. This sealed the deal because, as everyone knows, Hot Topic is a corporate company wholly unlike their neighbors of Abercrombie & Fitch. It may be the only place in the mall that someone who is an individual can buy a mass-produced piece of clothing from a corporate entity, created by a marketing team dedicated to making sure they their customers all look, act and support the exact same things, in order to reconfirm that they are all uniformed as 100% nonconformists. And for that I thank them.
Finally yesterday I had my last encounter with someone whose shirt helped me understand who they are. Flanked by her perfume encrusted mother, was a girl who was about 12 years old. My immediate thought was, “I wonder how this prepubescent, emotionally undeveloped child is in bed.” Sure, sex with an adolescent child is illegal, immoral and horrifying, but I bet that it’s also sexy and awesome. Which is why I was glad to see that she was sporting a shirt that said, “Sexy, awesome hotness and I’m available.” I mean, if that doesn’t just answer the questions about the availability of a sexy, awesome 12 year old, nothing will. As she passed I had yet another thought, “sure the front of that juvenile maybe sexy and ready for hot loving, but what about her backside. Would it be as welcoming and ready as her front?” Then, as if a gift sent from Rama, my next question was answered. As both mother and daughter walked away, I saw the words “juicy” on their asses. And for that I thank them because I now know everything that I need to know about them.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
New and Improved and On Sale Now!
You know that thing that you've heard of that sounded really good? We have something like that! That’s right, we’ve just started carrying that thing that you’ve been meaning to try (you know, the European sounding thing that can make your life a little better).
Yep, we also have that thing from when you were younger. Remember when that thing was cool? Well we still think it is and we sell a version similar to what you vaguely remember! Come and create new memories that can pass as old ones with fond, safe and generic references to recent history and the things that were popular then!
Feel like you should be in better shape, but think it might be hard work? Don’t fret, we’ve just created a new thing that will help you look incredible with an acceptable amount of effort! Just buy our thing, follow the simple directions and you will be happy about yourself very soon!
Think technology couldn’t get any better? Well it just did! Our new thing will give you more free time while making you the envy of others. What more could you want? Simply purchase our newly created thing, on sale for a couple easy payments, and in no time at all you’ll have a better life.
But wait, there’s more!
Want to feel like the individual that you are? Just purchase our thing and you can feel special again. Not too far away from whom you are, but enough to make you feel good about yourself for a while. Then, we’ll have a new thing that will help you again. Things have a scientifically proven power to make you feel temporarily better and that’s ok because we can always come up with new things for you to buy.
Don't wait, new things are standing buy.
Yep, we also have that thing from when you were younger. Remember when that thing was cool? Well we still think it is and we sell a version similar to what you vaguely remember! Come and create new memories that can pass as old ones with fond, safe and generic references to recent history and the things that were popular then!
Feel like you should be in better shape, but think it might be hard work? Don’t fret, we’ve just created a new thing that will help you look incredible with an acceptable amount of effort! Just buy our thing, follow the simple directions and you will be happy about yourself very soon!
Think technology couldn’t get any better? Well it just did! Our new thing will give you more free time while making you the envy of others. What more could you want? Simply purchase our newly created thing, on sale for a couple easy payments, and in no time at all you’ll have a better life.
But wait, there’s more!
Want to feel like the individual that you are? Just purchase our thing and you can feel special again. Not too far away from whom you are, but enough to make you feel good about yourself for a while. Then, we’ll have a new thing that will help you again. Things have a scientifically proven power to make you feel temporarily better and that’s ok because we can always come up with new things for you to buy.
Don't wait, new things are standing buy.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Entry for October 16, 2009
Subdivision (n)
1. the act or fact of subdividing.
2. a place where they tear out nature, build homes and then name the area after what was removed.
1. the act or fact of subdividing.
2. a place where they tear out nature, build homes and then name the area after what was removed.
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