Your Shirt Says it All

I’m a pretty good judge of character, but sometimes I could use a little help. That is why I would like to take a minute and thank certain folks for helping me understand who they are. For instance, a week or so ago at the Pumpkintown Festival, in front of the Boy Scouts fried donut tent, I spotted a gentleman who clearly left me wondering about his masculinity. He was just standing there, all 5’4” of him, in cowboy boots and tight jeans, and I couldn’t help thinking, “I wonder if this guy is a badass.” Then, as if a gift sent from Zeus himself, the gentleman turned around to reveal that he was truly a badass. At least, that is what his shirt said. So understanding the laws of exclusivity that is the t-shirt business, I had absolute confirmation that this person was indeed a tough, independent outlaw, who was so confident in his own manliness that he was allowed to buy a t-shirt just to convey how wickedly badass he is to the world. And for that I thank him.

This last week someone gave me the perfect idea for a Christmas gift for a hard-to shop-for family member. Realizing that I would never remember it come Christmas time, I headed to the mall. After purchasing the item I headed to the food court to celebrate with smoothie – because nothing says victory like a Grape Expectations with added whey powder. Along the way I was lucky enough to encounter a group of independent, nonconformists who prefer to be called “Goths.” You can tell they are nonconformists because they all have a very strict dress code that they adhere to, shop only in very select places, and all act almost identical. This rigid dogma that they follow out of both fear of peer condemnation and a desperate desire to fit in to their small click really shows the determination that these freethinkers have to remain individuals. But again I started thinking and wondered if this group of matching rebels was truly as free as they portrayed. Then, as if a gift sent from Ra, they all headed into Hot Topic. This sealed the deal because, as everyone knows, Hot Topic is a corporate company wholly unlike their neighbors of Abercrombie & Fitch. It may be the only place in the mall that someone who is an individual can buy a mass-produced piece of clothing from a corporate entity, created by a marketing team dedicated to making sure they their customers all look, act and support the exact same things, in order to reconfirm that they are all uniformed as 100% nonconformists. And for that I thank them.

Finally yesterday I had my last encounter with someone whose shirt helped me understand who they are. Flanked by her perfume encrusted mother, was a girl who was about 12 years old. My immediate thought was, “I wonder how this prepubescent, emotionally undeveloped child is in bed.” Sure, sex with an adolescent child is illegal, immoral and horrifying, but I bet that it’s also sexy and awesome. Which is why I was glad to see that she was sporting a shirt that said, “Sexy, awesome hotness and I’m available.” I mean, if that doesn’t just answer the questions about the availability of a sexy, awesome 12 year old, nothing will. As she passed I had yet another thought, “sure the front of that juvenile maybe sexy and ready for hot loving, but what about her backside. Would it be as welcoming and ready as her front?” Then, as if a gift sent from Rama, my next question was answered. As both mother and daughter walked away, I saw the words “juicy” on their asses. And for that I thank them because I now know everything that I need to know about them.