Your Shirt Says it All

I’m a pretty good judge of character, but sometimes I could use a little help. That is why I would like to take a minute and thank certain folks for helping me understand who they are. For instance, a week or so ago at the Pumpkintown Festival, in front of the Boy Scouts fried donut tent, I spotted a gentleman who clearly left me wondering about his masculinity. He was just standing there, all 5’4” of him, in cowboy boots and tight jeans, and I couldn’t help thinking, “I wonder if this guy is a badass.” Then, as if a gift sent from Zeus himself, the gentleman turned around to reveal that he was truly a badass. At least, that is what his shirt said. So understanding the laws of exclusivity that is the t-shirt business, I had absolute confirmation that this person was indeed a tough, independent outlaw, who was so confident in his own manliness that he was allowed to buy a t-shirt just to convey how wickedly badass he is to the world. And for that I thank him.

This last week someone gave me the perfect idea for a Christmas gift for a hard-to shop-for family member. Realizing that I would never remember it come Christmas time, I headed to the mall. After purchasing the item I headed to the food court to celebrate with smoothie – because nothing says victory like a Grape Expectations with added whey powder. Along the way I was lucky enough to encounter a group of independent, nonconformists who prefer to be called “Goths.” You can tell they are nonconformists because they all have a very strict dress code that they adhere to, shop only in very select places, and all act almost identical. This rigid dogma that they follow out of both fear of peer condemnation and a desperate desire to fit in to their small click really shows the determination that these freethinkers have to remain individuals. But again I started thinking and wondered if this group of matching rebels was truly as free as they portrayed. Then, as if a gift sent from Ra, they all headed into Hot Topic. This sealed the deal because, as everyone knows, Hot Topic is a corporate company wholly unlike their neighbors of Abercrombie & Fitch. It may be the only place in the mall that someone who is an individual can buy a mass-produced piece of clothing from a corporate entity, created by a marketing team dedicated to making sure they their customers all look, act and support the exact same things, in order to reconfirm that they are all uniformed as 100% nonconformists. And for that I thank them.

Finally yesterday I had my last encounter with someone whose shirt helped me understand who they are. Flanked by her perfume encrusted mother, was a girl who was about 12 years old. My immediate thought was, “I wonder how this prepubescent, emotionally undeveloped child is in bed.” Sure, sex with an adolescent child is illegal, immoral and horrifying, but I bet that it’s also sexy and awesome. Which is why I was glad to see that she was sporting a shirt that said, “Sexy, awesome hotness and I’m available.” I mean, if that doesn’t just answer the questions about the availability of a sexy, awesome 12 year old, nothing will. As she passed I had yet another thought, “sure the front of that juvenile maybe sexy and ready for hot loving, but what about her backside. Would it be as welcoming and ready as her front?” Then, as if a gift sent from Rama, my next question was answered. As both mother and daughter walked away, I saw the words “juicy” on their asses. And for that I thank them because I now know everything that I need to know about them.

Entry for October 24, 2009

Fall leaves are nature's apology for the gray that will follow.

New and Improved and On Sale Now!

You know that thing that you've heard of that sounded really good? We have something like that! That’s right, we’ve just started carrying that thing that you’ve been meaning to try (you know, the European sounding thing that can make your life a little better).

Yep, we also have that thing from when you were younger. Remember when that thing was cool? Well we still think it is and we sell a version similar to what you vaguely remember! Come and create new memories that can pass as old ones with fond, safe and generic references to recent history and the things that were popular then!

Feel like you should be in better shape, but think it might be hard work? Don’t fret, we’ve just created a new thing that will help you look incredible with an acceptable amount of effort! Just buy our thing, follow the simple directions and you will be happy about yourself very soon!

Think technology couldn’t get any better? Well it just did! Our new thing will give you more free time while making you the envy of others. What more could you want? Simply purchase our newly created thing, on sale for a couple easy payments, and in no time at all you’ll have a better life.

But wait, there’s more!

Want to feel like the individual that you are? Just purchase our thing and you can feel special again. Not too far away from whom you are, but enough to make you feel good about yourself for a while. Then, we’ll have a new thing that will help you again. Things have a scientifically proven power to make you feel temporarily better and that’s ok because we can always come up with new things for you to buy.

Don't wait, new things are standing buy.

Entry for October 16, 2009

Subdivision (n)
1. the act or fact of subdividing.
2. a place where they tear out nature, build homes and then name the area after what was removed.

Entry for October 10, 2009

All new fashion starts with an idea and ends with a laugh.

Costume Doom

Clerk: Welcome to the Halloween Costume Shack can I point you in a certain direction?

Woman: Well, yeah, I’m looking for a Hippopotamus costume.

Clerk: No problem! We have over three different styles of sexy Hippos. We even have a sexy Pygmy Hippopotamus for younger girls.

Woman: I’m a biologist who studies the Malagasy Hippopotamus and would just like a costume that looks like a Hippo for our staff Halloween Party. I’m happy to make alterations to match what I need.

Clerk: I understand and you’ll be happy to hear that all of our Hippo costumes come with an option of either a mini-skirt or a micro-mini. And all of them have a matching mask and bikini top.

Woman: What?

Clerk: Now this model comes with pasties, but doesn't include the 4" heels. Whereas this model...

Woman: Please, I just want a Hippo costume. Is there something that you can order that just looks like a Hippopotamus and isn’t.. …..sexy?

Clerk: I’m not sure that I understand. You want a costume right?

Woman: Yes, of a Hippopotamus.

Clerk: So a sexy hippopotamus?

Woman: NO! Just a hippopotamus.

Clerk: But it’s for a woman!

Woman: Look here, I’ve studied devoted my life to studying Hippopotamus, they are majestic, beautiful and intelligent creatures, but they are in no way "sexy." So I don’t understand why I can’t just buy a costume of a Hippo that isn’t "sexy."

Clerk: I’m sorry, but everyone one of our female costumes is provocative. Along with the Sexy hippo, we have a slutty Rhinoceros, a seductive Whopping Crane and a Walrus whore.

Woman: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!!

Clerk: If you would like I can get my manager, he’s just finishing up selling that woman over there a slutty vending machine costume.

Woman: Goodbye.