Things I've learned from being very sick this weekend

I need to do a better job chewing my food. There is no good place to be when stuff starts coming out of both sides simultaneously. Leaf blowers are extremely loud even from a great distance. Cold tile is only a welcoming comfort for a short period of time. You will not be able to even think about whatever food you ate before you got sick for a lengthy period of time. While a quick blow to the head of anyone who enters your sick room to ask, "So, how are ya doing?" feels like the right response, you will not have the energy for it. When you've been expelling liquids for more than 24 hours, apple flavored Pedialyte is the greatest tasting liquid ever. Always leave the path between you and the bathroom open and unobstructed. Bedroom air molecules have a mass greater than molecules located anywhere else. Never sneeze or blow your nose anywhere besides seated on the toilet. Suicide may seem like an option, but your body makes sure that you don't have the strength for it. Never trust a fart. No matter how nice people are to you, you will hate everything about them while being equally grateful for everything they do. All light is too bright and unnecessary. You will be looking for a word to describe your teeth while sick, that word is “fuzzy.”